Welcome back!
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Day 1037
Iāve typed out a few posts on the forum but always fail to press send. I guess Iām feeling shy? Idkā¦ I used to think I was addicted to this place and I did manage to break the habit only to find the grass is not always greener on the other side. The people here are so REAL and on other social media sources can feel very fake. Plus IG & FB are the most random collection of people Iāve met the last 20 years, most of which probably hate me or have seen me blacked out.
The school director invited me to āgirls night.ā Haha! I hadnāt even been considered a candidate in anyoneās āgirls nightā in over 4 years. Iāve been in my safe bubble. But that got the wheels in my head turning. Contemplating if I could ever drink again. I know the answer. I read on here the other day āif youāre not working on your recovery you are working on your relapse.ā (@I.cant.We.can) I spent yesterday at the super marker staring at the wine bottles playing the tape forward. So here I amā¦ I know it would never end well for me.
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You definitely have a sparkle in your eye! 
Well done! 
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Hey Sarah - so glad that you hit send today. I totally agree that this community is by far so real and amazing and everyone makes you feel at home and welcome. Absolutely the truth here and zero judgement which I am so in love with and drawn to. I am totally addicted to this site / community and itās one addiction I am ok with.
The longer you are sober the more your mind tends to forget what brought you to sobriety in the first place and tries to convince you that you can drink ānormallyā or moderately - sorry, this is not the case for us and for most if they are honest about it. Life is so much better without it. Could you go to girls night and not drink? 
Take your NA drinks or make mocktails orā¦sodas? Just because you donāt drink doesnāt mean you donāt have fun. Just ask yourself if these are the folks you want to have fun around and if being around them will be safe for your sobriety.
Wishing you the best and hope that you hit send more often.
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29 days alcohol free. Feeling very lonely.
For AA folks, what has your experience been as a sponsor or sponsee? I am feeling disappointed in how things are going with my sponsor. Itās been about three weeks and Iāve only seen her once and weāve talked on the phone a few times. Today she was supposed to meet me at a meeting but couldnt because she had to take her son to swim practice. I totally respect that but then why say you could go and then cancel last minute? I thought we would have coffee dates and go through the big book. The day I relapsed she just texted me a couple times and never called. It was actually this forum that kept me from relapsing. She just started a new and very stressful job and Iām wondering why she took me on. Shouldnāt there be more interaction than this? And my annoyance and hurt about the situation is spilling over to the AA program as a whole which is bad. I hear over and over how so and so is best friends with their sponsor and how their sponsor changed their life yadda yadda. Well thatās great but doesnāt give me any guidance on how to manifest that for myself. Also, all these people give me their number and say reach out and I have multiple times and they respond but never initiate. How is this supposed to be a one way connection? Nothing works like that in real life.
So I guess you can tell how Iām doing todayā¦ irritable and angry and lonely. I did meditate this morning and it helped for a while but then I went to a different (earlier) AA meeting and it was just blah. Then I exercised and spent the whole time going round and round in my head about this. Iāve never been able to click with a sponsor so maybe Iām the issue. But that just feeds into me thinking Iām broken and no one wants to have a connection with me. Iām actually spiraling a bit and worriedā¦. AGAINā¦ about a relapse. Iām supposed to have quality time with my partner this weekend but I have a lot of resentment toward her too about some stuff and feel like I just have to push all that down. Sorry about the rantā¦ā¦
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Oh sweet @Catmama23 i know the feeling of wanting a closer relationship with your sponsor. I agree she should be more available. Maybe look for someone else who has more time for you and your recovery?
You arent alone in those feelings. I can relate big time.
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Thanks @Cjp ā¦ I donāt trust my own perceptions on this dynamic and am troubled that Iāve had zero luck with the three sponsors Iāve had so far (this one and the two when I first tried to get sober 10 years ago).
Speaking of perception, I also keep hearing that alcoholism (and maybe other addictions as well) is the result of a disease of perception. What does that mean? Is there more context given in the big book I havenāt come across yet? Donāt ānormalā people also get lonely, angry, resentful? Do we just have more of those feelings or are less able to cope with them? I know AA is a plan of action but Iām someone who needs to understand the WHYā¦ ok Iām really done now 
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Firstly, stop looking at your sponsors from 10 years ago. You arent the same person. Alcoholics are like normies. Ive never heard of the skewed perceptions theory. This sounds like something to look into.
What are you feeling? You want more support. That doesnt seem like a distorted perception. Sounds like you know what your recovery needs and you will feel empowered to ask for what you need
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I am not a AA goes yet and have not tried to get a sponsor but do know from talking with others that a good sponsor does initiate contact and does call back with you are in distress (not just texts) and would not cancel a meeting unless seriously necessary. With that said - this sponsor may have all the right intentions but not be ready for the time commitment someone new to sobriety would require. Donāt give up hope and keep looking - you will find someone that can meet your needs. You are not broken and are not asking for too much here - You are aware that you want to recover and what you need to make that happen and are actively pursuing this - that in itself is amazing.
As for your partner and the resentment you feel towards her - can you talk it out? would she be receptive to this? The longer you hold it in the more itās going to fester and eat at you which we know leads to explosions.
Check in here as often as you need - wishing you luck with your search for a good sponsor and hope your day turns around for you. 
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And we need people too! We all do. Canāt do it alone. Happy to see you Brian. Hope youāre good
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Hi @Catmama23 you arenāt alone!
This was completely my story at 3 years of sobriety. I had two sponsors quit on me, one I didnāt mesh with, and a really uncomfortable temporary sponsor situation - she couldnāt even be there emotionally for me when I had a job from hell. Like you, I thought it was me. I took a chance on one more, and she has been just the right person for me for 3.5 years. I hope you wonāt give up. Take your time finding someone new and ask your HP to help you.
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Im so sorry ur having a hard time finding a good sponsor 
It took me many sponsors (i think about 6 or so) to find one that was a good fit.
This is just my opinion and experience, but i feel like there is alot of pressure put on people to become sponsors once they have met the requirements. Thats what happened to me as soon as i got a year clean and went thru the steps. There was alot of pressure from the group even tho i told them I wasnt ready or in a place in my life to take someone thru the book. I was able to be of service in other ways and thats what worked for me. Some of my sponsers even went thru the same pressure, even tho they werent in a place in their lives to sponsor. So it became unfair to them and to the new sponsee. Maybe this happened to her and she really doesnt havw the time to commit (still no excuse tho for her lack of communication or cancelling plans last min).
What i learned, and maybe this will help, is to have a conversation beforehand with the potential new sponsor about what they are willing to offer with regards to phone calls during hard times (when can u callā¦ bcuz not all people will be available at all hours), how often will u meet for coffee dates to go thru the steps, etc. If what they offer doesnt suit you or meet ur needs, then keep looking 
someone will come along that will be a good fit for u. It can be very discouraging when u want to go thru the steps and ur sponsor is too busy etc to take u thru them. But dont give up friend someone will come along that will be a good sponsor for u
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Day 133.
The past few days have been really good. For once, I have nothing to moan about. Iām sober, Iāve been able to focus on my work and get shit done, the new client paid (always a worry when I send that first invoice!), the sun is shinning (wellā¦ it was in the daytime), and my current AirBnB is air conditioned.
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Day 109.
This is the second time I have gotten this much recovery time. The first time I made it much farther, just past 31 months.
You can find me occasionally on the selfie, music or sports thread, I rarely post here anymore, used to a couple years ago now. I do post very regularly, almost daily, on the best thread, Daily gratitude: the air of recovery. However, whichever thread is your favorite is the best thread for you. 
As suggested by my sponsor and spiritual advisor I donāt just read the big book of alcoholics anonymous. I study it. Currently reading about step nine, (the one Iām on in my step work) from another piece of alcoholics anonymous literature called twelve steps and twelve traditions. I have attended detoxes and treatment a couple times. I suggest that to start for anyone. After getting out of the safe bubble of those facilities and then a stay of almost two years in a sober home, I now, have started listening to the suggestions at AA, NA and CA. Get a homegroup, sponsor, work the steps and attend meetings regularly. For myself in the long run these meetings, the fellowship, step work and service is what will and does keep me clean and sober as well as spiritually, mentally and physical fit, with the help of some exercise and lots of self care. The 24hr support of being active on here for years cannot be understated, it has been and continues to be a large and vital part of my recovery foundation. Thanks for listening/reading and for being here.
May our higher powers restore us to sanity.
p.s. Donāt forget to smile and breathe, it feels good and looks great on you. Ya you!!
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Checking in
Day 468
Today has been an average work day. Im sooo grateful that i am a morning person in recovery bcuz last night i set my alarm for 620pm instead of 620am. Woke up naturally at 625am and realized my alarm didnt go off for this reason. So i wasnt late for work thankfully.
Work has been okay but earlier my nerves were on edge. My client wasnt in the best space. He was shoqing signs of aggression So we had to be extra careful. I just dont like the feeling of my nerves being on edge. But the day improved, so grateful for that.
Had a small urge to use about 5 min ago. Nothing major. I just saw something that reminded me of my past so it triggered a thought. Brushed it offā¦ no time for that nonsense! Lol
Will head out of work in 1 hour and do some grocery shopping on the way home. Need to pick up something for supper. Hope everyone is doing well 
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Checking in. Day 232
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Checking in Day 13, been a lovely day. Very lazy on my part but saw my daughter score a brilliant goal 
Windows open as quite warm here. Dropping off to the sounds of a local music festival. Seems to be aimed at my age group as just heard The Offspring sing Pretty fly for a white guy. Forgotten all about the song! Glad to be listening from the comfort of my bed.
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My current sponsee does what he wants when he wants to but if i ever feel like Iām doing more of their program than they are I tell them this is a problem, let them know Iām here when they want to continue and then back off. Iāve had enough sponsees now to know you canāt save them all so I keep my time for the ones that really want it. It keeps me sober though and thatās the beauty of step 12. Recovery starts at step 12 not ends.
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Nice to see you! I know what you mean about FB and IS (though I have hardly used the latter). Even irl I tend to put on a face. Here does feel more open and real. Maybe because it is anonymous.
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