I feel you.
It doesn’t have to be bad or dramatic to stress you out.
Even if I think that money,or maybe more the lack of money is a big thing.
The constant chasing to afford to live is stressful and tiring.
I think you’re doing the right thing going back to school, knowledge and education is sometime you can never get to much of and that you can never loose.
Personally I just got an email yesterday saying that I’m welcome to start the Math (Mathematic B, it’s a basic Math course that I don’t have) class I’ve been trying to get in to for years. But have been denied. It’s the city that pays for it, and it’s mostly for people who didn’t even finish high school. They’ve said No every time I’ve tried to apply because I already have two PhD’s.
This time they had to say Yes, because I’m hired by the city (I’m a pre-school teacher) and I need this class to get in to university and get my teachers certification. Because the city demands that all teachers needs to be certified.
It’s as I said a basic course,that most people get in High school here. It wasn’t needed “Back in my days” and I choosed an extra language instead to get enough points in my grades to apply for university. Time has changed ever since.
But I’m freaking out. I’ve thought about telling them that I’ve changed my mind like a million times already.
I’m sure it’ll all work out to the best eventually.
Things usually does that.
You can do this!
We’re all here for you, and will cheer for you trough it all.
Last update for today.
Nothing new from the Hospital.
We have got a special permission to come and visit tomorrow late afternoon/evening,so they boys get to see him.
One of my husbands close friends is going to take us to the hospital.
Usually they only allow two visitors at a time, and on specific times during the day. But they are going to make an exception and gave us special permission to come.
I have told the boys that he is really ill, and might not look like himself,be awake or aware that we’re there. But they still wanted to go.
Haven’t told them anything more than that, I’ve decided that I’m only going to tell them if it’s getting worse.
I’ll keep you updated.
Once again a huge Thank you to each one of you for your beautiful words, amazing support, thoughs and prayers. I can’t even put words on how much I appreciate that and how warm it makes me feel inside.
Glad I got out for a walk this morning. Allowing myself to have an otherwise restful day. Evenings are when it gets hard. Reminding myself that alcohol isn’t the answer. Just still have the desire to numb and escape. But I know the short term relief will make things worse in the long run. Can’t wait for vacation.
Day 1225.
Had a good day. Protected myself successfully against being mistreated. It didn’t even stress me out. Learning some major new things, which was chaotic but now its getting clearer. Thankful for that. I think I will keep my second appointment with the therapist.
Watched the netflix documentation Midnight Asia with my mom, astonishing pictures.
Experienced anger towards the evening but managed it well by being aware.
Am worried about my brother bc he is incredibly intelligent but life wise rather dumb and worst of all extremely naive. He has fallen in love with a person that seems to be taking things alarmingly fast and seems to have some issues that shes not dealing with. Hope he doesnt do anything stupid. But I cant do more than give him advice / warn him of possible dangers / encourage him to take care of himself in a loving way.
Feel a deep need to see a bit of the world / move. Ive been feeling stuck in my home town for years. But I dont have money nor energy to change that right now, so I try to accept that and can only be grateful.
I love you guys, we’re doing this. One day at a time.
Doing better means dealing better.
I’m grateful that things clearing up for you and so proud of you that you keep your head up and do the work in treatment.
I totally understand that you don’t want to be taking care of. That makes perfectly sense to me.
And I know you will be strong enough to set boundaries to protect yourself. You need to take good care of yourself first and foremost before you deal with anybody’s problems.
It’s sad to hear about your Ex. Hope she’s doing ok and gets well soon.
Have beautiful sober weekend.
34 days for me. I am fortunate no cravings. Relationship still not showing the outcome I was hoping sobriety would bring. May your sober journey get easier for you .
first Saturday since all of the family drama. in itself it wasn’t terrible but having no technology gave me anxiety because I don’t know if someone is trying to reach me about something important (I have a Fitbit I am going to use from now on because I can see notifications from my phone on there). my aunt got mad at me for literally following the no tech rule. “it’s no technology so you brought everything in your house to keep you busy?” I brought some coloring and puzzle books. do you expect me to sit and stare all day??. of course I didn’t say that. I said nothing as per usual.
I can count the amount of sentences I’ve spoken today on my fingers. it has to be less than 10 sentences I’d imagine no more than 6. i am usually a really quiet person anyway but I’m quiet now just because I know nothing I say matters. I am nothing but a bother to my family. aside from my grandpa.
I followed the no technology rule fine except for the 2 bathroom breaks to check my phone. but my mom and aunt were on the phone most of the day. at first it was legit reasons like they were looking for some curtains my grandpa needs. but then they made it a game of who can find the ugliest curtains. and then somehow they ended up looking at shoes. but I got dirty looks for just having my phone in my pocket. it’s ridiculous.
today was overall better than I expected, but still pretty shit. now I have to go to church and lunch with my family tomorrow. we have church every year on the anniversary of my grandma’s death and on her birthday. it’s her 10th birthday since she died. if she was here I think I’d love every Saturday but I’ve started dreading them. my grandpa is the only reason I go
Day 24. Attended a small function in a pub. No issues and came away happily sober. The drive there and back was peaceful and couldn’t wait to get home see my family. I’ve done plenty of sober visits to pubs and stuff. Usually I dip out when I get bored.
I’ve made a commitment that on this attempt I will not drink AF beer. I felt I leaned on it a bit too much last time around and it kept old habits alive. I’m focused and checking in here regularly.
Is it wrong that when I read other people’s stories of day 1 that I’m like “glad I’m not there” I regularly think how I felt on my day 1 and how I don’t want to be back there. I’ll get up for work and be glad I’m not hungover. I’m using past negitive experiences to remind me what will happen if I pick up.
Anyway, good night it’s 1am here and I’m having a bit of trouble sleeping, going to try clear my mind and drop off.
If you can stomach the taste of oregano oil! My daughter is always making fun of me for the “gross” thinfs I eat and drink I think it does help though feel better!
@Mischa84 just wanted to say CONGRATS on DAY 50!!! I am so happy for you lady. You have a lot going on in your life - big things, and youre here sober and Im so happy to have met you on your journey
Hey guys checking in Saturday night. Good day today, now off the rest of the week till next Sunday, got some stuff to take care of around here. Me and the wife just got done watching this movie called Hell House LLC. That was one of best horrors I’ve seen in a really long time, so we had fun. Gonna spend some time here reading and catching up, then hit the sack SAF. Have a great night guys.
Clearly I am still figuring out how to be online lol.
Checking in. A bit le tired. Feel disconnected from my daughter which is what is on my head/chest at the moment. Kids need rules and boundaries, but I believe too their behaviour tells you stuff. She says I pay more attention to her brother, am nicer to him. I definitly treat them differently because she is 7, he is 2. I dont want to be pointing out the things I do for her, that seems silly and selfish…she is probablg supposed to feel this way now; but I remember this dynamic growing up in my house, and rhe dynamic was problematic (I was the oldest in a single parent home, with parents who drank). I guess I dont want her to feel neglected or to actually be neglected; I dont want to wake up 25 yrs from now to my grown daughter explaining to me how fucked up her childhood was bc of me. Losing a child wasnt my fault, or my sister being murdered and the mess we have been in since…I just dont want all of this STRESS to go on, and effect me and my children and husband also.
Realizing more and more that I have to take care of me, and it is so hard whdn you feel the strain of thousand things needing to be done and people cared for. I find it funny how people tell me take care of myself, but everything needs to be done urgently (when they talk to me about it). Or to ask for help, yet everyone asks me all the questions or looks to me to organize and advocate and stay on top of. I DO NOT really mean I am doing this all alone, i do not. Its a hyperbole that I think sure alcoholics feel, but I think when you lose a child its lonely; and when your sister and best friend dies, and in such a disgusting senseless way its also lonely af. Its okay to say youre alone in something…its okay to say that. Just not to use it to keep peopke out, or to not also find your support and people. We can be and feel two thinga at the same time.
Anyway, as always my kids are on my mind. Daughter especially. Just feel like im making all these mistakes bc Im tired and have so much to deal with. Dont want her to grow up with a stress cloud over her. Want to breath light into her childhood (and her brother and my husband too) xo.
Note! Just to note Im not more pritective over my daughter in this case bc she is a girl. My friend thought this, and I just explained to him my concern over the effects of everything on my daughter is because she lost her sister when she was 3 and experienced it, she wrnt through COVID and her Aunt who she was close with then also died and her cousin who is high needs came to live with us. My son didnt go through all of that, he wasnt born, he sadly will not remember his Aunt and he is too young to undefstand his cousins challenges socially and also does not understand his cousin (edit - not nepjew!) does not want to play with him. Its not because she is a girl and he is a boy, its because he is 2. Just bc I know I talk mostly about my daughter. Xo.
whats going on? Can u possibly distract urself with another activity? Or get to a mtg if u go to those?
You are absolutely killing it! 
