I am working through my fears around public transit, and I took the bus across town today, twice. It was manageable. I’m also working through other fears involving crowds and being contained in a space for long periods, so the symphony was a huge test in itself. To make things even harder, I am really sensitive/responsive/reactive to any kind of audio in my environment. Massively and abruptly dynamic, highly emotional music, involving unbelievable amounts of tension… I hadn’t factored this part in. I was shaking so bad, heart racing and skipping beats, shifting in my seat because I’m restraining myself from just automatically getting up and leaving. I made it through two and a half hours of this. So many times I thought “you know, you’ve done good enough, anyone who knows your experience with these fears and with anxiety would understand and not expect you to have to do so much more than you expected to have to do”. But I stayed. And 20 minutes after getting home, took that second bus ride!
When I got back and did my instrument practice, I did noticeably better on both instruments than usual. The difference? I was more confident. I hadn’t even realized doubt and hesitancy was an issue, but looking back I realize I just went for what I wanted with whatever technique or thing I was trying, instead of the “ohh this will be tricky but I’ll try” and then bringing my fear into it. I probably made way more mistakes today than any other day, but it was just the natural cost of challenging myself at another level. Seems like my anxiety fighting has had some lasting after-effects I didn’t even anticipate.
Compare to a year and a half ago or so, where I was so agoraphobic (and alcoholic) that I’d only leave the house to go to the neighbourhood liquor store but not otherwise, even to buy food or groceries.
If I look only at my struggle, I get frustrated that there are still lots of everyday things that I struggle with more than most other people seem to have to. But if I look at my progress, it’s a much different picture. If I look at what I can do to change my situation, it’s a much different picture. You’re not a housefly — your eyes see where you point them, so point them somewhere useful.
Note the facial expression. It indicates that I am not prepared (probably not even willing) to deal with anything further heading my direction unless it is sleep. So I had better go find some. Talk to all of you later.
thanks so much Lea! Happy to be checking back in my friend, and totally agree with you. We cannot get complacent in our thoughts, especially about the reasons you point out. So I’m never tooooooo far away from this place, or the list of reasons why I quit. We are always just a misstep away from being back at day zero. Hope you are doing great!
Wow James! You had quite the day. So very proud of and happy for you that you pushed through hard things and realized the strength in you!! Well done dude. Keep up the good work and maybe take a break tomorrow??
Checking in since I’ve had minimal human contact and it’s been doozy of a week…
Tuesday morning I decided to up my weight in squats and felt a pop in my lower back halfway through my workout. Took off rest of the day since I couldn’t even make it up the stairs without shuttering in pain. Oh and my vape(ecig) shattered on tile when I took a phone call for work lol
Wednesday: Im starting to walk a little better but struggling to sit or stand for long. I made it to work and a meeting!
Thursday morning my higher power was like nahhhh why don’t you take a seat again today. Ive got a burning fever and body aches so I head to the doctor. Soon the doctor is calling the CDC worried about me having the corona virus since my parents just came back from China. Thought my ass was going be quarantined but they did clear me to go home. (The pic is from the doc, they even had me enter through the back door and the front desk staff were reluctant to check me out)
Friday until now: Shits hitting the fan at work and I can’t muster up energy to do anything about it…whatever virus I have is now in my lungs and it burns like hell to cough. My sponsees girlfriend called me and blamed me for not coming to pick him up and that he could die tonight (he’s not going to die and she’s just really drunk)…
Yaknow what though?? My fever is finally breaking and Im still sober. I must have said the serenity prayer a couple dozen times and if the universe wants me to chill out and just focus on resting well then I guess I will haha.
Good morning world. Day 14 no drink and . I’m starting to get a little niggely like Why isn’t there an emoticon that states No drinking? Yep that’s my biggest worry this morning so I guess life is pretty ok at the mo.
I’m waiting for a little day light so I can out there for a couple of hours with the dogs before this storm really hits us. Wishing you all a great day from a dark and windy Northern England
@ifs I’m so proud of you, you are fighting your fears and demons. That must be challenging and it sure makes you tired! Your so must out of your comfort zone at that moments
But you are facing it!
Thank you for sharing it with us.
Glad you feeling better @DcDave, great picture though!
Day 500 something…508?
Goodmorning from the Netherlands. We are having a big storm coming up. Code orange today. So staying inside myself today, but not for my husband. He’s going to run a marathon today! It’s a bit weird they haven’t cancelled it but he’s happy he can run
So fingers crossed he may run his running competition and will made it to the finish line!!
And checked my days it is 510
Day 9
Happy Sunday TS’s friends. I’m still on the bed with my cat . I love this kind of Sunday morning… especially now that I can feel good without alcohol in my head!
Have a beautiful sober Sunday you all
Day 39 completed… I’m sick again with another cold so I spent the whole day in bed. While it sucks to be sick, it would’ve sucked even more if I’d had to drive to the store for alcohol. But I didn’t, because I don’t drink anymore.
. I’m starting to get a little niggely like Why isn’t there an emoticon that states No drinking? Yep that’s my biggest worry this morning so I guess life is pretty ok at the mo.
months! 
months! 
months! 
months! 
Omg what a day, speedy recovery!