Day 1. New mindset

[OohImMentallyIll]

On Feb 10th 2022 I made a decision to be sober from alcohol due to it causing me to have mental breakdowns for a few days after. This last weekend I was celebrating my sisters birthday and was surrounded by old friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I thought I would be okay to have a drink because I had decided to become sober for my mental health not because I was an addict. After this last weekend I am now grappling with the idea that I am an addict. I am holding a lot of shame and guilt for my actions over the last three days. I am going into this now with the mindset that I am an addict and can’t just have one drink. I missed worked, lied, and overall did not make choices that aligned with my values. I have been reading through some posts but I feel like I am intruding on a community that is not for me. For context, I am a therapist and have worked in rehab hospitals and attended many AA meetings as a therapist/co moderator (the groups knew I was a therapist and I was there to support the AA people who came in to the lead the groups in the hospital). I am trying not to compare my journey to others but I can’t shake the voice in my head that says I am making this all up, being dramatic, and seeking attention.

I also have an addiction to benzodiazepines which feels very different than my relationship to alcohol. I have been sober from benzodiazepines for almost five years but contribute a lot of that success to lack of access to those pills. For example: I Get craving for benzodiazepines and today those cravings are strong. I feel safe in this recovery though because I do not have access to them. But with alcohol I am not having any cravings and in fact actively do not want to touch it ever again. The problem seems to be that if I do have one drink I don’t stop. I do not feel safe in this recovery because the access to it is everywhere.

Any thoughts? This is my first post and I hope I didn’t share anything inappropriate. I am open to any feedback and questions.

[Matt]

@OohImMentallyIll

The problem seems to be that if I do have one drink I don’t stop.

This story is sooooo common, you are not alone all. You are also not the only therapist who is working on being healthy and sober:

Ask A Therapist

One of the most significant drivers in my recovery is my career as a psychotherapist. I work with adults struggling with mental illness and the majority also deal with substance abuse. A lot of people have questions about therapy and I’d be happy to help out, answer questions, etc. I feel useful and motivated when I have the opportunity to be of service. This in no way negatively impacts my own recovery; on the contrary, it will probably be refreshing to me to be able to share my personal experi…

There may be more threads, that’s just one I found with a quick search.

You are not alone.

I think one thing most people would agree on - whether they’re in recovery or not - is that being honest matters. We can’t fix what we don’t acknowledge. And if we spend our lives trying to hide from something or avoid it, that sucks up all of our energy - which we now can’t use for other, more constructive things.

@OohImMentallyIll

I have been reading through some posts but I feel like I am intruding on a community that is not for me.

That’s understandable. At the same time I would say, follow your heart and keep an open mind. If something feels helpful (or potentially helpful), try it, stick with it if it takes some time, and you will see results. I don’t think you would have posted here today if you didn’t think this could be helpful, so stick with it and see how it grows. The worst thing that will happen is you’ll learn something.

It takes courage to open up. It takes guts to be here. In that way you’re the same as the hundreds of other people who are active here every day. Every one of them faces the same decision you do: do I face it head-on and learn something, or do I remain confused and lost? We all make that choice, one day at a time - and that takes guts. (Which means: you belong. You’ve got the guts.)

There’s a lot of wisdom and fun in these threads. Here’s one of my faves:

Resources for our recovery

I like the checkin thread too. I don’t go every day myself but I find it helps me ground myself when my mind starts racing and fixating:

Checking in daily to maintain focus #40

And of course pets and nature and food and mugs!

Post photos of your pets #4

Post your most inspiring photos of nature #3

Foodies Unite #4 (trigger warning food) DON’T GO BACON MY HEART!

Coffee/Tea mugs / morning thoughts

Thoughts on challenges in relationships where addiction is present:

Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict?

Gratitude:

Daily Gratitude List. Gratitude The Air Of Recovery

And so many others. Welcome @OohImMentallyIll - you’re in a good place and you’re learning - and you can do it

[AllyP]

Am I a typical movie depicted alcoholic? Probably not. But do I have a problem stopping after I’ve had 1 drink? Absolutely.
There’s such a negative stigma around being an alcoholic, or having an addiction problem. But it doesn’t have to be negative. I can’t control my drinking once I start, but I can control my drinking by NOT starting. That to me makes me strong. That makes me open my mind to realities in where I use my strength on a daily basis to abstain.
Don’t stigmatize yourself and just get in touch inwardly. If there’s something you want to change with your relationship to alcohol, this forum is 100% for you and we’re here to support every step of the way, one day at a time. Welcome!!!

[Chikai]

First I would like to say welcome to the ST community. I feel as though most would agree with me when I say that you are not intruding our space. If you get anything positive out of it, I’d say that’s a win. Even if only a bit of perspective.

I know for years I separated drugs and alcohol. I was never the biggest fan of alcohol… but for some reason every time I cut out my DOC I ran to alcohol thinking to myself, “Well, this was never my problem so its fine.”

I too take things too far with alcohol. I have been in the same boat - Missing work, making poor choices, the whole nine yards.

I can relate to questioning, “Am I being dramatic?” There are always people who have it worse - and when seeing those people it can be hard to say… “Hold on… No, I am not that bad. But they didn’t start out that bad either, and I still need help.”

I’m definitely rooting for you. I hope you’re able to sort through your thoughts and emotions regarding this issue and live a happy and fulfilling life.

[OohImMentallyIll]

Thank you for this. I read it immediately and was able to release some emotions through tears. I will be checking those links out and will stay active in this community.