It feels good to feel again. Not feel good, per se, although I do feel pretty good at times, but to feel at all. After reaching roughly 35 days of abstinence from alcohol I stopped counting – I suffered a tremendous personal loss that changed my world. I am still coming to terms with the loss of a dear one in my life to the coronavirus. I didn’t reach for the booze right away, but instead found myself in a relapse of another sort, slipping to a point that I had not been in quite some time. It really caught me by surprise, if you can believe it, since this is not the first time things have gotten this bad.
The days in bed, zero self-care, week or more without showering or combing my hair or brushing my teeth, rarely eating, forcing myself to even drink water, you get the picture. Lying to my family, saying “I’m okay,” but knowing that they knew and could only keep checking on me and showing me love through texts and voice mail messages. Depression is a hell of a state of mind. I scared the shit out of my husband – he started coming to sit by me in bed and said he would not stop trying, even though I was downright mean at times. “I’ll be fine,” “Just leave me alone,” “What do you expect me to say,” (when asked how I am doing), and so on. I longed for the time when he would leave the house to go to work – instead, with him working from home in the room across the hall from the bedroom I could not hide away like I was wanting to. My experience with depression also includes terrible gastrointestinal pain, migraines, and other physical pain, in addition to the emotional detachment and sometimes self-loathing, negative self-talk. “I’m not worth it,” “What’s the point,” “I can’t believe I’m this useless.” Pure misery. Except for the company of my dogs who rarely left my side. They are my saving grace.
This went on for about a month, before I decided drinking was a good idea. What a great one that was. (read: sarcasm) But really, I didn’t care, and the booze made me feel SOMETHING. I felt like myself again, at first. I was eating and engaging and putting on a happy face at times. And then I was right back in the anxiety, depression, binge drinking cycle again. I would try to clean myself up during the week and binge on the weekend. Same old story. For about 3 months. Another anniversary of trauma came and went – I have no doubt that it was a contributing factor in this whole episode.
After another week-long binge where I was “hiding” my drinking from my husband again during the week (who am I kidding, right?), something shifted. I started reading on TS again, I started engaging more with friends and family by text and on social media after having isolated completely as hard as I possibly could.
I participated in a zoom group breathwork session led by an old friend in Tucson, AZ, and it was the first time in a long time that I had really engaged with people, people I didn’t even know, and the shell started cracking. Intense breathwork led by a skilled practitioner can be a powerful healing tool – believe what you will regarding the woo woo aspects of the practice, what you’re doing is essentially flooding your body with oxygen and getting a natural “high” of sorts that leaves you blissed out and connected, for real. I started practicing breathwork on my own, as well as meditation again, reading self-help and motivational books again, doing the things that bring me joy again, and slowly letting go of the booze again. I felt myself waking up, clawing my way out of the quagmire and reaching toward the dim light ahead that was becoming brighter and brighter the harder I fought.
I realized that while I had done well in abstaining for that 35 days around March this year, I really was (am) lacking in coping skills for dealing with emotions and have not addressed triggers and traumas I’ve experienced in my life. I signed up for online therapy with Talkspace, which was a huge deal for me. I have been considering therapy or counseling for years, maybe even close to a decade, and didn’t even know where to begin with that (even though I spent 8+ years of my career working in the mental health world – go figure). I just started messaging with the therapist I selected this week and already I see the benefits that it will bring, particularly in identifying stressors/triggers and ways to cope, getting out of my head and reframing my thoughts, and addressing health concerns I have. I finally made myself an appointment as a new patient with a primary care doctor to address my medical concerns, which is also a huge step for me. We’ll be discussing depression’s interaction with any physical health concerns and whether medication might be an option going forward.
I am at 10 days sober now, though my last serious binge was a month ago. I have identified some lessons in the process this time around, for sure, and know that I am building off of my previous experience. My biggest regret is wasting almost 5 months to depression and alcohol! Pandemic panic, politics, stress about the state of our country and the anxiety around all of those things still keeps me up at night but I am managing better now.
This couldn’t have come at a better time, thank the gods or whoever, because my 9-year-old dog had a medical crisis last week and we are in the midst of determining what is going on with him. If I had been in the midst of depression or drinking, I would not have handled it as well as I have been able to, much less be the dog parent I need to be to care for him properly. I have been up nights with him, taken him to the vet, taken care of his meds, and given him the love and attention he needs right now. He had an ultrasound on his heart yesterday, and we should be hearing tomorrow what the prognosis is.
I want to say thank you to those of you who asked where I was and how I was doing – I can only apologize for not responding at that time and say that I commit to not doing a disappearing act in the future. It’s my M.O. and something I desperately want to change. And thank you to those of you who read my novel (ha!) and I look forward to engaging in this community again. My goal is to at least check in, read some posts, and contribute a bit each day. It feels good to be back, folks.
. I’m certain your sun will shine bright again 
Thanks for the virtual hugs.
And it is truly appreciated.
