Experiences building longterm sobriety w/out a sponsor or fellowship?
I have a very simple question, and would love support from those that understand.
What are some successful models, strategies, and tools used for people who navigated their sobriety independently?
Im early in my recovery, beyond 100 days. This is my 2nd investment in recivery. The first was 2 years ago, and i relapsed about 4 months in. I understand recovery principles and am invested in a way i wasnt my first time. But i keep getting bombarded with the idea and theory that i cant work the steps alone, work the program alone, that i NEED a sponsor. That i should automatically fall into recovery fellowship trendsā¦
And while i COMPLETELY understand why that is said, i find a natural aversion to it. I am an insolar person. Very independent. Fairly intelligent. I have a masters degree in education which i attained before i fell into my addiction at 30 y.o. (the point here being im actually knowledgable and trained on following curriculums and training programs independently, but have hesitated because ppl in general say you CANāT, do it alone. Im pretty confident i can give an honest effort if i wasnt bogged down and overly processing this ONE point of view about working the program effectively.)
What makes me very nervous about identifying and blindly deferring to a sponsor and recovery fellowship is that i know for myself the hunt for a codependent intimate/s3xual relationship is a huge part of what led me down into my addiction.
I am not averse to engaging in recivery and sober meetups and retreats and calling someone regularly for their guidance around sobriety. But i feel at this early early stage in my sobriety and abstinence its important to develop relationship and trust in self primarily, as opposed to outside forces.
Can anyone else relate? Can anyone else provide positive models and outlook for those looking to find an independent route to their recovery?
I am 608 days sober without a sponsor or indeed a formal program. Like you, I am fiercely independent and also want to avoid being able to make anyone else even slightly responsible for my sobriety, be that a sponsor, family, loved ones etc. I need to be sober for me, not because of the stick that is a sponsor.
The opposite to addiction is connection. To me that is key. I never had a sponsor. I attended NA for the first 6 months of my recovery. But I decided for the mental part I needed more specialized, professional and modern forms of therapy as compared to doing the steps.
I do need my sober peers and I found them mainly here as I was socially rather anxious as well in the first few years of my recovery. Thereās many roads to recovery, that do share common ingredients. Having sober peers is one. Having a plan for recovery is two. And a solid toolbox of tools to be used in your recovery. Like I needed therapy.
P.S: I did try AA meetings and outpatient group therapy but found that I did not need them right now. Good to know they exist though, that is a massive help!
I understand. I just feel like i see a lot of toxic codependence in the recovery community. Especially in regards to finding an elder and immediately deferring your entire life to them when neither of you know each other very well. It seems inauthentic and for me personally as an insolar independent (character default) person it just doesnt even mesh with how i move in the world.
Following others and wanting to be in the āin crowdā made me feel like i wasnt enough. And thats how i allowed my mind to crumble into allowing me to think active addiciton was the answer.
What ever keeps you sober thats fine for me AA saved my life at that time no other places to go no rehab or other programs i sponsor guys take them through the program some my guys over30 years sober now, dont know if there are any long term people on here who are over 10 years sober who didnt have a sponsor or worked a program maybe there is as i said if it keeps you sober whatever way you choose thats great well done
Welcome! If you donāt want to try AA and can maintain sobriety on what you are doing that is fantastic. AA is for those that can not manage to stop drinking on their own. Proven results are good enough for me. There are other programs and yes lots of material you can work on independently of a program. I wish you success.
I echo what has been said so far. Personally i was so stuck in my habit i couldnt trust my decisions and i needed the community of aa and this place to depend on when those horrible cravings came.
There are many roads to recovery and this place can help give you ideas. Dont pick up, find accountability, and deal with the underlying issues.
Sure. You might be able to do it alone. But itās just so much easier to do it with help.
I wanted to do it my way the first time I tried to get sober. I figured I was smart (I have a law degree) and I was motivated. I sounded a lot like you actually.
Took me two really severe relapses to become humble enough to ask for help. For me that was AA. For others itās SMART or refuge. Either way Im coming up on 7 years and Iām glad I joined a program
For me personally I tried on my own numerous times to no avail. The relapses got worse and worse and I reached a rock bottom where I admitted I couldnāt do it on my own. Like you the AA scene sketched me out a bit but I had nothing to lose at this point. I attend regular meetings now and I thoroughly enjoy it. I donāt necessarily always agree with everything I hear but I go in with an open mind and take what I can from the other speakers with years of sobriety. I also did link up with a sponsor but itās honestly more of a friend. Yes we dig in a little bit to some tough subjects but itās honestly more of just fun chats and talks. We golf together talk sports. Some sponsors I hear can be a bit aggressive and thankfully mine is not. I attend a couple meetings a week when I can because life still happens outside of AA. When I first started I had some people a bit abrasively telling me get to 90 meetings in 90 daysā¦to me that was absolutely absurd and while I understood where they were coming from I knew it wasnt realistic. There are some good AA meetings online over zoom which for me was a bit of an easier entry point or even if you wanted to check it out out of curiosity. At the end of the day you need to do whatās right for you regardless of what anyone else says. I just know for me personally years of trying on my own didnāt get me where I needed to be. AA has helped for sure. While I attend meetings and have a sponsor I still value being independent in my recovery and that will never change for me.
I am not a participant in AA, as I had a poor experience with it A LONG time ago. I donāt, however, ever exclude it as one of the programs/groups that work for people.
Every person needs what they need. Most people need people. Though the groups I am active with are communities, they donāt have sponsorships. There are mentors in some. I personally listen to everyone and especially lean on advice/stories by those who have been sober and āhealedā for longer than I.
With each group, Recovery Dharma, SMART, and TLC that I am active in, not doing the āworkā and not connecting are seen as a problem staying free of DOC. I canāt always trust myself - 30 years of effort and 233 days NOW of sobriety.
I am super busy with assisting my elderly parents move to independent living ATM, so donāt have a ton of brain power to write much, but I did want to share a few links on my journey, which you may find of interest.
I have 7+ years of sobriety. Never been to AA or had a sponsor or follow any steps or program. Just never was something that resonated for me personally. I was, however, extremely active here for the first several years in early sobriety. I was here daily (I am retired, so had the time to devote here). That was instrumental for me.
Here is some of my journey if interestedā¦and tho I have never been to AA, I do very much appreciate the path they paved for us all and all the shared knowledge and experience (and sayings!!)ā¦so take what serves you (if anything) and feel free to leave the restā¦
Thank you all so much for your thoughts. Ive had this app for abt 2 years now (since my first attempt at recovery.) And although i put my new sobriety date in 4.27.2024 and have been tracking, it wasnt until i realized i needed to update my sobriety date about 3 weeks ago - from 4.272024 to 4.29.2024 (the date i actually entered rehab) - that i realized there were discussion boards attached. Today is the first day im really using them, and i appreciate you alls beautiful commentary.
Ill reflect and internalize. I think ill share for anyone else that joins, reads, connects that i do actively attend AA/NA/Smart mtgs (in person & zoom) now and have been since this stint of recovery. I actually just left 2 mtgs just now. I find mtgs have become a tool for me now as opposed to what i envisioned a chore. Meetings in general are helpful even though like others stated my mind is very spongey and i feel i have to actively take what works and tune out what seems negative and triggering. Im just rly averse to what āseemsā like building a practice around sober codependency within the 12 step communities. That seems scary to me. A bit because it takes me out of my comfort zone, which im fearful of, and also because it plays into my DOC tied to sex/companionship urges and yearnings.
Although i was against the idea of not forming a meaningful relationship within the first year of recovery 2 years ago. I realize now that seems like an important, meaningful, and purposeful practice for me to really re-learn how to love myself, given that it was low self esteem and devaluing myself in pursuit of others that led me to my addiction in the first place. I envision finding a sponsor eventually. But dont want to play into the rush that 12 step seems to make it for right now.
Again thank you all so much for your discourse. I appreciate this community and am wishing you all continued success in your journeys!
Iām 40 years sober, and I had a sponsor for the first 25 yrs.
Decided after that I could keep sober mostly through my own convictions. I have long ago lost any romantic euphoria about drinking, never get any urges to drink, and have vigorously acted in my best sober interests.
Iām 6.5+ years sober from alcohol (I struggle with polysubstance but alcohol is the worst for me) and have never set foot into an AA group as a sober individual. I went a few times (intoxicated) before finally getting sober, if that counts? Lmao
It triggers some religious trauma for me and is ABSOLUTELY unhelpful for me. The whole higher power thing is hard for me, to say the least. It is refreshing to hear from others who havenāt gone through a 12-step program. As a mental health therapist, Iām learning more and more that my story is pretty much that of a unicorn.
Almost 5 years sober with zero meetings. I was never opposed to it, my schedule and 4 hour commute each day just didnāt allow the time. I used that time for sobriety podcasts and such, super helpful for me. I spent a lot of time here as well.
I will always keep an open mind to doing whatever it takes to remain sober thoughā¦ things that work today may not work tomorrow. The more sobriety tools you have to fall back on the better, and if you donāt have a needed tool be willing too go get it. Best wishes.
I can relate to this. Not about doing the steps by myself, but being sober with/without the support of others. I joined this community in 2019 at 1 week sober bc I didnāt know what to do. It taught me almost everything I know about recovery and was my recovery toolbox in the beginning. I tried AA at 60 days and fell in love. I went every single day, and around 3 months, blindly chose a sponsor. We didnāt really have a connection, there just wasnāt a spark, but she helped me thru steps 1-6 and Iām grateful for that. I probably couldāve done them myself(except step 5 bc you actually do need another person for that), but probably wouldnāt have bc I procrastinate everything
2020 quarantine began when I was nearing 5 months. I felt strong in my sobriey and reached out to everyone I knew from the program to make sure they were doing okay. No one replied. That feeling of abandon along with not being able to physically attend meetings made me feel like I couldnāt do this alone. There was a negative shift in how I felt about AA. I began to believe that I needed it to stay sober and it wasnāt there for me in the end. It left a sour taste in my mouth. I relapsed after 10 days. I soon realized that sour taste was actually booze and it wasnāt AA that let me down, I let myself down. This was important. In that moment I knew I am the only person who can keep me sober. 100 people could tell me not to drink, but if Iām not the first one on that list, the others wonāt matter.
One day, 3 years after relapsing, it finally clicked and I got sober again Everything was going great on my own until I started closing in on 5 months again(first relapse) and something told me I needed more. Thatās when I returned to this forum after a 2 year absence and it felt like coming home. I realized that as much as I love, and sometimes need to be alone, I also need a connection to those who understand me. Iām not in any programs, I just come here everyday. It works for meā¦for now. I know things can change quickly in life/sobriety and I must stay open to change with it, whatever it takes. So, you do you, as long as itās working Welcome to the community
When I wanted to become sober hard enough I found this forum and decided to give myself one year to get sober without help of AA ore such.
Iām addicted to alcohol and sober for almost 6 years with the help of this app and the community in it.
Connection is key. So I put the work in it to find my place here. Iām here every day. At first to check in sober, to vent ore chat with others, ask for help ore give help.
Now these days Iām here as a moderator as well, trying to give back my help to this app that gave me so much.
Sobriaty is not ājust quitā. I had to change a lot in my life and personality as well. I made a sober plan to guide me trough it. Here is where you find it:
I made this thread when I was 2 years sober.
My advice for your recovery is to be open minded. Try all the tips you get here. Keep the ones that work and skip those that donāt.
There are people here that think that AA is the only way. I think thatās because it worked for them and they are hoping to save you too. A good thing but I think there are multiple ways to become sober.
I did it my way and it worked for me.
What works for you you have to find out by trial and error.
Everything was going great on my own until I started closing in on 5 months again(first relapse) and something told me I needed more. Thatās when I returned to this forum after a 2 year absence and it felt like coming home. I realized that as much as I love, and sometimes need to be alone, I also need a connection to those who understand me. Iām not in any programs, I just come here everyday. It works for meā¦for now. I know things can change quickly in life/sobriety and I must stay open to change with it, whatever it takes. So, you do you, as long as itās working 
Welcome to the community