I relapsed again on my 100-day challenge on Day 12. Today is my second day without alcohol and drugs. I wanted to share what happened. While I was working on a freelance project during my sober challenge, the employer disappeared without paying me. I was left with only $10 in my bank account, feeling deeply discouraged. The stress of being unemployed, having a car loan, and a court case that requires money for an attorney started to weigh heavily on me.
I ended up asking my brother for $200, and he generously helped me out. But once I had some money, I convinced myself Iâd just have one $20 drink, which quickly spiraled into six days of heavy drinking without eating, along with smoking weed and methamphetamine. During this time, some friends who usually avoid drinking but use other substances reached out, and I joined them in using those as well.
Yesterday, Day 1, was incredibly roughâI felt depressed, anxious, and didnât sleep at all. I know these are withdrawal symptoms, and theyâll pass. Still, itâs hard not to feel disappointed in myself. I struggle to make it more than 10 to 14 days sober, unlike others here who go much longer. This relapse was tough, and Iâm determined to make this my last one. If I donât, I feel like my life will be wasted, and I wonât achieve anything. I had so many skills before, but lately, nothing seems to be going my way.
Please keep me in your thoughts and share any advice you might have. @SoberWalker, I really appreciate all the guidance youâve given me, and Iâm sorry I relapsed again. Thank you all for listening.
Have you already been to a meeting Sarath? If not, please do. I have no magic wonder pill ore trick, I wish I had. My recovery isnât yours and vice versa. What I used myself when I had a relapse is that I tried to learn from it: what can I do different next time to avoid a new relapse.
How can I make myself stronger ore how can I avoid things that are triggers? How can I push myself forward past the 3 months mark (I used to relaps every time around that milestone).
We cannot say no to drink nr 2 and all that follows. So thinking that 20 dollar will get you one drink and peace of mind is âstinking thinkingâ as another forum member here used to say (I do not know who ).
So when the âstinking thinkingâ starts you know you have to act on it! Go to an extra meeting, come here to vent, talk about it with a friend who know you try to stay sober, call a sponsor?
Whatever it takes to avoid picking up the first drink and all that follows.
I know there is also medication your doctor can subscribe that can help you with cravings?
Just a thought, but no experience with it. Maybe other forum members know about them. I know Antabuse is one of them.
Good that you are here Sarath. Next time you hear that voice telling you you can buy just one curse that voice and get to a meeting ore here.
Drinking and using only makes things worse
Ps donât feel sorry for me about your relapse. There is no need to. You are here for you
Sorry to hear about your relapse and your situation.
May I ask why you are only aiming for 100 days? If I personally aimed for X number of days sober I know I would throw in the towel too easily as I would be thinking that I will be drinking again in that many days so whatâs the big deal. I know it is all one day at a time but I just know I would be bargaining with myself and convincing myself it would be ok to break the streak earlier.
Sobriety is not going to just happen one day. Relapses happen. Recovery doesnât.
24/7 recovery immersion, education, self exploration and engagement in recovery community is what it takes. These are the things you have to do. Start w this community, especially reading more.
Hey Sarath
Good to see you here
Sorry to hear about your relapse
Iâll echo what others have already said: The only way for me to get away from my addiction was to consider recovery my number 1, 24h job for the first three months. Put sobriety and recovery on nr 1 in your life friend.
The first and the last thing you do every day has to be about sobriety. Every consideration you make has to be with the lense of âsobriety firstâ. If something sounds like it could threaten your sobriety, you donât do it.
Every hour of your day has to be about sobriety. You need to learn to live differently, educate yourself, and surround yourself with sobriety.
Itâs not enough to abstain from alcohol and itâs not enough to donât want to relapse. You have to work sobriety like a full time job. Imagine you had a little baby. No matter what, you would have to take care of this baby first. Nothing else could take precedence. Thatâs what sobriety is like: It takes precedence over everything else in your life.
I am new to sobriety so I donât have a lot to offer- just that I agree with another commenter- If I set my goal for any # of days I can almost guarantee you I will ârewardâ myself with poison at the end of those days.
Sorry about your relapse and how you are feeling right now.
Itâs past so leave it there and move forward.
We all know you canđ
@s_unrelax, I am sorry to read about your relapse but then again, I am not surprised.
Before you think I am being harsh on you, let me explain: I had a feeling you had relapsed, simply because you stopped checking in on here. Itâs easy to think you stopped checking in because you relapsed, but I actually think itâs the other way around: you relapsed because you stopped checking in.
You took your eye off your sobriety, stopped making it your non-negotiable #1 and did not take accountability for your work by sharing it with others here. This place can be a life-saver but only if you are 100% in, every day.
Do you think you can do that? In any case, I am rooting for you!
Iâm sorry youâve been stuck on this merry-go-round. Iâve been there myself.
The first time I seriously quit drinking 5 years ago, I knew nothing about recovery. After a week of just not drinking, I knew I had to do more to keep it up. I found this forum and started reading all day every day, learning everything I could about recovery. Then I put it to use by trying AA, where I learned even more and went every single day. I felt strong going into covid, but had shied away from the forum in favor of AA and after 10 days without meetings, I believed that âjust one drinkâ wouldnât hurt
After that, I couldnât string more than a couple days together, let alone weeks. Failed attempt after attempt as the spaces in between got shorter and shorter, until I just gave up(for almost 3 years). So defeating to know what I knew, yet unable to execute it. Enduring so much more suffering is what finally made it click for me. Every time I drank resulted in the same outcome. Pain, sickness, and sadness. Canât argue with statistics. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I had to do anything different to end the insanity, then whatever it took to keep it that way.
Recovery isnât linear and what works for everyone is different. Those with success place recovery above all else and work towards it daily, changing tactics when necessary. Get yourself a plan and stick to it. Then a backup plan. And a backup plan for the backup plan. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Itâs all or nothing my friend Never stop trying
Something I told my son who struggles with fentanol addiction who is 12 dayâs clean yesterday when he asked me how I manage to stay clean. You have to realize no one is holding you a prisoner of this life but you. You have to resist and refuse that first pill if you never want to feel that way again with the withdrawals and feeling worthless. One hit pill or drink just leads to a life of living to be intoxicated and nothing more. You have to be tired of it and want more from life or you wouldnât be trying and asking questions. He said yeah mom but everybody knows Iâm just a junky whoâs ODâed countless times. I said first of all I never got anywhere worrying about what everyone else thinks. You have to know you are worth more than that and you have people in your life that matters and loves you. You have to work at this even harder than you had to work for that 1N (1st in the nation) on your dirtbike. My point is you have to understand youâre worth a healthy happy life. You have to stay away from it and refuse to pick it back up. Instead of making a left turn when you have a craving take a right turn and ride to the mountain top and take a good look at all we have been given. Itâs up to you what you do with it. You have to occupy your life with something new and surround yourself with sober people doing sober things and take it one day at a time. Dayâs turn into years before you know it.
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Never stop trying 
