Hey all, I’m Ariel and I’m an alcoholic. 11 months ago tonight I was having my last drink. It’s been a wild ride. For those that understand, no explanation is needed and for those that don’t, no explanation will do.
So what it was like for me…
My alcoholic behaviour started long before I took my first drink. I was a lonely child and always felt self-conscious, insecure, and uncomfortable in my own skin. I was sent away to boarding school at aged 13, and I started smoking cigarettes, smoking pot and shoplifting. This resulted in an arrest and a suspension from school.
I kept smoking pot and didn’t discover alcohol until about age 16. I was a depressed teenager and was on an anti-depressant. The first time I drank, I blacked out. I remember the moment before where I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, clutching the sides of the sink. Of course a terrible hangover ensured, but I was hooked - I attributed the blackout to my medication, so decided to stop taking it because I wanted to be able to drink. That was the first thing that I kicked out of my life when it got in the way of my drinking.
For the next 20 years, things didn’t get better. There were many different kinds of drugs that came and went. I would shift from drug to drug and when I had a sufficiently bad experience on one, I would move on to something else. That never happened with alcohol, no bad experience was bad enough.
There are so many assumptions about alcoholics that I used to tell myself I didn’t have a problem and I could keep drinking.
I was never a 24/7 drinker, but I did take pills (codeine and benzos) during the day to take the edge off until could drink in the evening.
I never got an OUI, but I had plenty of transportation related problems. I missed flights, I vomited or passed out on public transportation, I was kicked off the London Underground for being a danger to myself and others, taxis refused to pick me up, I took rides from absolute strangers who picked me up on the street, I was hit by a black cab when I was cycling home drunk wearing black with no lights.
I was never reprimanded for being drunk at work, but I spent a lot of time hungover at work, I turned up late, I called in sick, I slept it off on the floor in the archive room, I used to drink during lunch breaks and sometimes go back to work drunk and sometimes I wouldn’t go back to work.
I never ended up in detox, but I had plenty of medical mishaps. I once had a seizure on my way to work after a particularly intense night. On my 30th birthday, I lost consciousness and went face first into the pavement and woke up screaming, with my face covered in blood and a mouth full of broken teeth. I sprained and broke ankles and often woke up with mystery bruises. I lied to doctors, family, friends and work about these injuries.
I woke up in strange places, with strange people, and didn’t remember how the night ended, how I got home, or the name of the person I woke up next to. I put myself in a lot of risky and unsafe situations that I would never wish on anyone.
I had all external measures of success - I received promotions and graduated law school with distinction and trained to be a barrister in London and got a job in a highly competitive legal services market. I won an award and was described as a rising star in international family law - at that awards ceremony, I stole others’ unfinished bottles of wine from their tables and blacked out. I was a Director of my chambers, bought a flat and travelled the world. Yet when I would leave in the morning on my way to court, I fantasized about stepping into the road and being hit by a bus. I thought life was something to be endured and I thought the only joy and peace for myself was with alcohol and pills. I felt like I lived a double life and I imagined dying and no one coming to my funeral.
I was always anxious about my drinking and would keep spreadsheets and sticker charts to track my drinking in order to prove I didn’t have a problem. I remember seeing adverts for a helpline for lawyers who were concerned about substance abuse and I thought about calling it, but I know the answer would be abstinence and I didn’t want that.
I blamed everything around me for my misery and thought the problem was the city i lived in, my career, my (then) partner, my friends, my family, etc. I went to therapy and went home and drank two bottles of wine. I eventually packed that whole life in - partner, career, city, friends - and moved back to the USA. It turns out, no matter where you go, there you are. I took a break when I returned and didn’t drink for 37 days. After that, I still did things I wasn’t proud of and put myself and others at risk.
Then something got through to me. This time last year was the start of my mental health taking a nose dive, triggered by current events at that time. By October, my therapist was talking to me about PTSD and I realised it wasn’t safe for me to be drinking - in the state I was in, I was having visions of myself in handcuffs or in a psych ward. So I told myself “I need to not be drinking right now”.
I still didn’t think I was an alcoholic. Those early days weren’t hard for me - I’d done 1, 3, 5, 7 days before. But by about two weeks, the idea of not drinking started to feel like it was crushing my soul. I started googling “am I an alcoholic” and I found this app and started reading your stories. On my 20th day, I posted that I wanted some support to get to an AA meeting (First AA meeting in one hour) - you guys didn’t disappoint and played a big role in getting me through the door to my first meeting.
Much to my surprise, the people there looked like me. There were women and there were young people. I cried a lot and the women gave me their numbers and they told me to keep coming back, so I did. I got a sponsor, am working the steps and have service commitments.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would ever be sober for this amount of time. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I am not drinking today.
Thanks for reading 
