I have quit drinking for 37 days, I’m doing it but my husband still drinks and I want him to quit as well. He wants to quit. It sucks that I have to fight this fight alone. It really freaking sucks.
Can I ask what is stopping him from trying? He wants to and you want him too… had he tried and failed?
This has come up a few times within the last few weeks. I haven’t figured out how to pull previous threads through in a comment… or maybe someone will after me? Have you searched this topic already?
We were both Active Duty and I got out, we became alcoholics in the Army. He has a hectic schedule now and relieves stress after the work day.
I can totally relate.
There are a couple of links in the FAQ thread about partners who drink:
@anon19498634 to copy the link to a post you have to get the other post up first, click the little chain link icon, click new topic and then you can copy it from there. It isn’t the best functionality but I believe that’s the only way to do it.
My wife still drinks. She doesnt drink like i used to. She has maybe a glass of wine a night. Maybe 2 on the weekend. Sometimes she doesn’t even finish one and its on the counter all night. I had made the decision to quit. It was, and still is something i needed to do for me. Originally i tried because she was very upset at how much i did drink, and i hid it very well. Except for when id blackout and spill beer all over the couch, floor, leave empties laying around. But i was trying to do it for her and the kids. I relapsed and drank even worse. Drank on my way to work which i had never done, drank while driving. Literally in the car.
So It had to be for me. I know ive said this before on other threads, but i didnt want my choice to affect her. I felt that i needed to be stronger. It may sound stupid and i have a hard time articuclating my thoughts into words. I know she would have supported me though if i would have asked her to not drink in front of me in those early days and not keep it in the house.
I know its different than your situation. Especially when you say your hisband wants to quit, but cant/won’t. And im assuming drinks too much?
Maybe you guys can take a trip to an meeting together or an alanon meeting.
You’ve got 37 days which is amazing so keep that momentum moving forward!!
That really sucks that you don’t have the support you’d like at home. But there is so much support available (here, other forums, meetings etc), I guess you gotta find it where you can.
You’re doing this for you - it’s not up to anyone else. You never know, your successes could end up motivating your husband to change his mind!
I feel like I did something similar when my boyfriend stopped drinking a few years ago. He used to get quite angry and have breakdowns when he was drunk, because I was a more positive drunk I didn’t see any reason to stop drinking. He didn’t ask me to or anything but in hindsight I definitely could have been more supportive. I just didn’t understand what he was going through and to be honest he didn’t do a great job of communicating it. I don’t think he really knew how.
Anyway good for you for doing it regardless. I found reading This Naked Mind helped me be around people drinking - and it couldn’t hurt to have a copy knocking around the house in case your wife ever wants to pick it up.
Maybe try a meeting then you wont be alone ,they helped me stay sober wish you well
My first 4 months out of rehab I lived with someone who was drinking and shooting heroin all day everyday. Only thing that kept me sober and from going crazy was going to AA. A lot of AA. I got a sponsor. Started working steps. Served others when I could. And followed the suggestions of those ole timers like @Ray_M_C_Laren (didn’t mean to call ya old)
My husband still drinks. I won’t lie, it was really hard at first. I couldn’t reconcile my getting sober with him drinking around me. I talked about this a lot in other threads and notably the one linked above. It was a struggle figuring out how to be sober around drinking. I spent a lot of time going to bed early, leaving the house for a walk or bike ride, going out to yoga or a class, just taking time away during our old drinking time. I baby’d my sobriety and myself and came to the realization that for me…my sobriety depends 100% on me…that was an aha moment for me. Did it make it any easier? Maybe a smidge, but it did add to my sober toolbox and force me to continue to face my shit.
I am creeping up on day 600 after 40+ years of drinking. My journey to sobriety was long and tangled, but here I am. Keeping at it was key. Stumble and get back up. Do meetings if you need that. Find what works for you. Remember you are so deserving. And mostly take each day as it is. Today is the only day you have.
He has to quit for himself. That being said he should respect your choices and be aware of your had work and progress. Don’t let him derail you. Maybe he can drink somewhere else? There are no no easy answers I guess. Winning as a team would be better!
Thanks for all your replies. It is hard to deal with him right now. I did replace my evening wine drinking with evening walk/runs at the local park and recently got into taking short drives to hike here and there. I guess I was more fun to be around when I was drinking. I have kids and they dont like me drinking. It really makes me lazy. My husband doesn’t really care for me anymore, seems like but whatever. It sucks. I really have no friends because my life revolves around my kids and their daily routines. I used to have a life when I was in the Army and finishing up college but I gave up my career so to speak to take care of my family. That is what made me turn to drinking more. I feel disappointed in what I gave up only to get treated like crap. My husband does not support me at all with quiting drinking and takes advantage of me being at home taking care of everything. I realized that alcohol started to consume me and my thought process. I am a Veteran, diagnosed with all kinds of mental disorders and trying my best to better myself in my head. I am trying and I am doing it alone…but now I have this app! Yay.
It does suck, but you need to do this, with him or without him. I commented on this very topic to @joie.
Me and my bf were suppose to quit drinking together. He probably lasted a week. I have been sober 428 days. He drinks every night and thinks bc he has “cut back” it’s fine. He never once stopped to think about how difficult it was for me to be around him, to have the temptation there, or for him to give me any kind of support. I was lucky I found out I was pregnant that definitely helped me stay sober. But I understand how difficult it can be to be with someone who doesn’t respect what you are trying to accomplish by maintaining sobriety. Sitting there watching him drink sometimes I would just get soo irritated with him. I used this app for help, guidance, and support when I needed it. It’s known to my family and friends that I quit drinking and am trying to maintain a sober lifestyle. They just think I stopped bc I was pregnant. You ever need someone to talk to you can message me.
Thank you. It is frustrating and yeah same! I had my tubes tied so that is not going to happen. I wish you a very nice and healthy pregnancy! This will definitely aide in paving your way toward sobriety for the long haul. And I agree, cutting back does not cut it! My marriage seems to be failing and it seems to boil down to alcohol. It sucks and I just dont know what to think nowadays.
Thank you I actually gave birth almost 6 months ago. I have been nursing since and that has also been helping me stay sober. I’m sorry about your marriage. All you really can do is focus on yourself. If he wants to change he will but you can’t expend your energy trying to get him to. I wish my bf wouldn’t drink and I feel like if he didn’t we might be on the same wavelength and feel more like a couple but we will never know. I’m not sure but I feel like a lot of people go through this when one partner decides to get sober and the other one doesn’t. Some relationships adjust and others don’t. I feel being sober you just notice how damaged the relationship is. The other person might not be able to see it bc their vision is still clouded by the alcohol.
As always lots of great advice here! Just wanted to pick up on this point:
Is it possible that now you are not drinking, you realise that your husband is not much fun to be around when he is drunk? Or maybe even in general… I’m not trying to give relationship advice here because I don’t know enough about you, but I have been working through some thinking on relationships (friendships so not exactly the same, you can decide if relevant ) and how I relate to people since stopping drinking.
When I am drinking I am definitely louder. I think I am funnier (I’m not, the bar for humour just drops after a few drinks, as I have noticed from speaking to drunk people when I’m not drinking ). I am less inhibited. Maybe by some perspectives that makes me more fun, but it also means I behave in ways that later make me feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and ashamed. Were people really laughing with me or at me when reciting my drunken ‘antics’? If that’s fun I’d rather be boring!
I am noticing my confidence improving as I continue on my journey. I don’t have kids and did have some hobbies, I am investing more of myself into them now and starting to make connections with people I’d previously overlooked because they didn’t fit into my drinking circles.
I suppose the thing to remember is that things change and they will always keep changing. So stick with it, focus on today and keep building those foundations.