Huge mistake, decided to drink after 2.5yrs 😞

[emc2018]

Checking in, Day 1
I had 907 days … made a poor decision, ended up blackout drunk. Feel like shit. I decided way before picking up the drink yesterday that I was going to, and I told myself a bunch of lies and excuses to justify it. But now, I’m sitting here in regret and I feel sick and stupid. Nothing changes, no matter how much time passes - drinking alcohol is poison and makes me feel awful and embarrassed.

[Yoda-Stevie]

Now you know what’s waiting for you, every time you choose to go back.

What do you think put you in the frame of mind where you thought you could drink again, without consequences?

[emc2018]

For a while now, I’d been thinking about drinking. Envying others who do. Believing that I “need” alcohol to be a certain kind of person, and to fit in. Also, I’ve been really emotional lately and just ‘thinking too much’… I wanted to get out of my head, to “let loose” a little bit - be carefree. I’d decided alcohol was the only way I could…and to hell with the consequences sadly, deep down I knew I was going to suffer, but it felt like I was suffering already so I thought to hell with it - mistake. Huge mistake.
Didn’t use any of my tools. Tbh, I think I purposely avoided them and shut out everything I know and believe

[SassyRocks]

Sorry to hear. I don’t know if you do this, but I found having a list reminding me why I don’t drink on my phone very helpful to review when I was feeling like ‘maybe one drink …’ and forgetting what the reality really is.

In case you are interested…

What I will gain from not drinking and how I want to live my life…

• Feel healthy, clear and strong - mentally and physically
• No hangovers ever!!
• Treating my husband with respect and no drunk fighting
• Self respect gets a major boost
• No more internal conflict about drinking and if/how can I cut down or stop
• Restful restorative uninterrupted sleep!!! (Still working on this one!)
• No waking up wondering where I am or who I am with
• Major pride in myself and all that I have and can accomplish
• A sense of peace and calm
• No more embarrassment and shame because of my drunk behavior
• Forgiving myself for past mistakes and terrible judgement
• No wondering what I did or how I hurt husband or others while drunk
• No treating people I love, including myself, poorly while drunk
• No drunk driving and possibly hurting self or others or jail
• No upset stomach from drinking
• No anxiety and near constant agitation when hungover
• No dark suicidal thoughts
• No shame around neighbors if I was loud and yelling or loud music
• No blackouts ever
• No overwhelming shame at my behavior
• No oversharing with strangers while drunk or making plans I will need to cancel
• Not having to check my phone in the middle of the night to delete social media posts - no drunk texting/emails/posts/calls
• Not be bloated and puffy and look haggard
• Major pride in myself and a boost in self esteem
• No hangovers ever again (this needs to be said twice!!!)
• No more excuses or lies
• Peace of mind
• Self respect, self esteem, self confidence, self love

[Matt]

I’m sorry to hear that emc. There is a yearning and restlessness I’ve heard in your posts over the last few months. Just in the time I’ve seen you here on TS I see a questing in you, a searching. It has sounded recently like this natural curiosity of yours has overlapped with something and become kind of stifled.

I wonder: is it that you’re searching and probably always will be. Not that it’s a bad thing; some people are just born with that restless searching. Explorers.

That’s a theory anyway. I may be way off. I hope you don’t mind me sharing it. If I am right about it then I want you to know I see that part of you and there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s a yearning and a restless quest, and that’s ok; you can work with that.

You’re a good person and you deserve to be present and to search and explore everything your life offers you. You deserve to be safe and to feel respect for yourself, to nourish yourself - to be present with yourself, in all your ups and downs and twists and turns.

Get back on the saddle and know this: there’s something new you need in your routine. Take some time to figure it out. You will find it. Search, and you will find it.

[Mbwoman]

Sorry to hear you drank but glad you are back. I have found my relapses, large and small, came after I thought too much. Then after I drank I was disappointed because I did see it coming. After over 900 days I know you have plans and strategies for not drinking. Pull them out again. Again, glad you came right back.

[Nordique]

Like the others said, I’m sorry to hear about your relapse. Stay strong and start racking those days back up, we’re here for you.

[Smitty97]

All I know is I’m glad you’re here with us instead of staying out. Maybe hit a meeting? None of us are special & it is 1 day at a time for all. Hugs

[Misokatsu]

Big hugs. A relapse is just one decision away. And so many little things can add together to make that decision seem the right thing. It could happen to any of us, sorry it happened to u. It sounds like u learnt from it, and maybe that will keep the next tempting time less tempting.

[Lisa07]

That sucks! I recall seeing you post how you were struggling in early November. I had hoped it was only temporary. Now I’m sorry I didn’t follow up and ask how you were doing. I’m just glad to hear you didn’t stay out long. Hopefully, that urge is out of your system.

A close friend with over 5 years had a drink this week. She saw it coming and couldn’t stop herself. She said it was like craving a piece of chocolate cake after not having one in 5 years. Now she has no desire to have another. Once our mind has made that decision, there’s no stopping it.

Use it as a learning lesson to move forward. Wishing you the best in this next chapter of your sobriety.

[anon53116147]

Hey, this is just my personal opinion but don’t be so hard on yourself, I wouldn’t even call that a relapse, you drank one night. I could see it being a relapse if you went on months on months of drinking and getting drunk every single night. But you have 908 days of sobriety and drank one night, to me that’s a lapse, you learned you know you don’t want to continue drinking. Plz don’t let everyone feel like you relapsed over one night. Obviously the choice is up to you, I could see if your new to sobriety, or kept the relapse going but don’t bear yourself up over one night. We’re human we make mistakes, keep those 908 days…

[ALC227]

@SassyRocks
You have no idea how much I needed this reminder. Just read it over and over, and I am back in my safe place again

[emc2018]

Thank you @SassyRocks I really appreciate you sharing your list with me and I’m going to save it and use it myself I resonate deeply with everything on your list and feel like I could have written it myself. I’m trying my best to not beat myself up today, but it’s hard, as I’m so disappointed and regretful. Big lesson in this! That’s for sure. Will use it to make myself stronger, sober

[emc2018]

Thanks, Matt I think you’re right, and I’m glad you shared. I feel like you’ve given me insight into myself I didn’t have, and it helps.

I think you’re right, also, about me needing to figure out what I need in my routine - something new that will help me to be more at ease with life, my life, myself and everything else so that I don’t find myself back here again.

[Daphnecat]

Glad you are here. Use this as a reminder next time that you want to drink. It is hard not to sometimes, especially with emotional stuff going on. Hope tommorrow is a better day for you.

[emc2018]

You’re right, I saw it coming too. I knew it was going to happen. I even accepted it, in the end. it was like I was on a unstoppable, moving train. And, no matter how much I wanted to get off, I couldn’t. The signs from the Universe were all there too, willing me to stay the sober course, and I noticed them and then ignored them, having made the decision in my head and it wasn’t going to change.

[Callie99]

Hi emc aka fellow Aquarian

Just dropping into say you didn’t loose those 900+ days. Life is long (and short). I think maybe addiction and shame go hand in hand. But you are here and sharing, coming back stronger. You learned that drinking still makes you feel crappy and that it’s still something you don’t want to do. We have all been embarrassed and ashamed from our drinking. Or at least I know I have. You aren’t alone. Sending you a big hug, I’m happy you are here.

[emc2018]

Aww thank you so much @Callie99 Caroline

You’re definitely right there, I have certainly re-learned what alcohol does and how it makes me feel! It’s crazy to say, but I feel like I really needed this reminder, because my head was under all sorts of illusions, telling me that I was missing out on something and that I’d be able to control it. I wasn’t. So yes, I’ve definitely learnt, again, that drinking alcohol is NOT something I want to do. I hate it. It’s awful. Sober life will always equate to my best life, no doubts there anymore. I’m still not quite sure exactly how or why that doubt crept back in, but it did and it has reminded me that
drinking alcohol = pain, shame, misery for me.

[emc2018]

Thanks for saying that, Mike. That means a lot to me. You’re right, it’s not a full on relapse, thank God but, it was enough to show me that which I do not want. Drinking alcohol has no place in my best life. So, I’ll keep the 907 days in my heart, as the achievement it is and honour it, and I’ll reset my counter, and look forward to surpassing that number as I live my best sober life moving forward, one day at a time. I will be checking in regularly to keep focused on what’s important
Thanks, Mate. Appreciate you

[SassyRocks]

@emc2018, I am so very glad it resonated deeply for you. I read someone’s list here almost 5 years ago and it has been so valuable for me…like a talisman.

I know how hard it is, how down you must feel and regretful. This drinking life is so soul sucking. You made a poor choice…don’t allow that to define you or drag you down. Every damn day is a new beginning.

You have so much to be proud of…some serious solid time that is not lost…you came here and reached out instead of falling down the rabbit hole of relapse. And now you have the answer to the nagging question of what if. A reminder of the true reality of drinking…not the fantasy we make up. A lesson from the ashes.

Bookmark this thread maybe…it can help to re read our stuff, especially the crappy parts.

And you are not struggling alone. I will tell you, it has been a hard day for me, rough…feeling very low and sad. Knowing my post lifted you a bit…and also @ALC227 …this helps me feel more centered and reminds me I am on the right path with fellow travelers who understand. So thank you for sharing your story today…it helps us all.

Here’s to a new day with new eyes, wide open.