1 year sober today 
I’ve written this over the course of a week, added bits, took bits out, im not too great at putting things into words sometimes but anyway… here goes…its warts and all and from the heart …(sorry if its a bit long)
I used to be an occasional drinker until around the time i had my baby 6 years ago…she was 10 months when my partner ended things with me (a whole other story)…i had to move out of our home and back in with my parents which was awful having lived independently since the age of 19 (im 43 now)…i was absolutely heartbroken to the core…i lost my relationship, my home, my step children who i adored, my independence and the dream id had of having a happy family of my own all in one day…that was it… i was a single mother and i felt like an absolute failure…thats when i started drinking to cope with all the overwhelming emotions i had and the fact that i felt id failed my daughter Sofia, the way i saw it life was over for me, id failed at life and so all that mattered now was my daughter and so from then on I wasnt Kelly anymore she was too hard to sort out, I would just be Sofias mum and so to bury the heartbreak, loneliness and difficulties of being a single mum i drank…over the course of 5 years my drinking very gradually got a little more, more times a week then 3 years ago I lost my dear grandmother (who I was probably closer to than my own mother) after watching her battle alzheimers…the drinking got even worse… at my worst it became every day- even mornings until eventually I reached my rock bottom …
It was a year ago today…id just gotten home from the A and E department at the local hospital having spent the night there in their mental health side room due to an alcohol induced psychotic episode… the night before id had an arguement with a family member, proceded to drink a whole bottle of neat vodka and ended up blacked out on my couch in charge of my 5 year old daughter…this was the worst mistake I’d made yet and even worse it was the first time my daughter had ever seen me like that… im lucky she didnt see it all as thankfully she was swiftly taken to my mothers house when everyone descended on my house…i had ordered food that night before blacking out and the takeaway man who couldn’t get an answer at my door had seen me through my window and alerted my neighbours…neighbours came, my family came and they couldnt rouse me so police and an ambulance were called and I was taken to hospital for the night after eventually gaining consciousness with all these people in my house…realising my daughter wasnt there and screaming and crying at the top of my lungs for her …apparently knowone could convince me that she was safe and fine and at my mothers house…apparently I was inconsolable and trying to hurt myself…so i was taken away for my own safety.
When I got home from the hospital…i sat on my couch and cried like a baby…my daughter was with her dad because I wasnt allowed to have her as by this point social services were involved… id embarrassed myself infront of my neighbours and my family, my house looked like a bomb was dropped, it stunk of booze…i looked down at the cushion on the couch next to me and it was soaked in my own urine from wetting myself the night before, the clothes i still had on since then were also soaked in urine and blood from trying to hurt myself…I couldnt remember exactly what had gone on but all I could think of was my daughter…how much id let her down…that was my rock bottom but I’d secretly struggled for years as I’d gotten completely dependent and drinking every day…lots of time spent trying to get sober only to relapse harder each time, sick to the pit of my stomach at the things id said, done, the people I’d hurt, the disgusting hamster wheel of a life id put myself on… what an absolute state I’d got myself in…alcohol had taken my looks, my self respect, my health, my money, my mind but I knew then that I’d fight to the death before id ever let it take my precious daughter away from me…
So that day I made the best decision id ever make- to get off the wheel and vow to never let my daughter down again… i knew to do that I would never be able to drink again, it was her or the drinking- i could not have both…there was no contest, I was completely done…
…that didnt mean I wasn’t utterly terrified…
I dont even remember how but out of sheer desperation I found this site and started reaching out, learning from others, working on myself, helping others…this place and more importantly the people on it have saved my life with the kindness, compassion and advice i have recieved… that compassion when I felt so utterly worthless was the slither of light that gave me the strength to begin to pull myself out of the deep dark hole i was in and I am eternally greatful to you all.
It’s not always been easy but with alot of hard work on myself and accepting as much help as i could find I’ve managed to get here…to 1 full year sober …i can definitely say that I have found myself again and I am proud of that.
For anyone looking to go sober these are positives that have happened and things ive learned…
I never had my daughter taken from me but I was fully investigated by social services in the weeks that followed and because I was honest, got help and stayed sober the case was concluded…they said that although what I did was wrong it was an isolated mistake and that my daughter was well cared for and all her needs were met.
I’m more present for my daughter
My daughter is happy and thriving
Sleep is better
No more hurting people
No more hangovers/hangxiety
No more feelings of utter despair
No black outs
No waking up on a morning with that dreaded feeling
No dry heaving while trying to brush my teeth
No more wondering if im over the limit on the school run
No more drink driving
Not having to think about getting alcohol constantly
Being able to help fellow addicts
This site and everyone on it- my sober family
All personal relationships improving
Being able to think clearly
Being able to have self respect
Being completely honest
Self esteem improving
Self care improving
Digestion has improved
Bloodwork alot better
Self confidence is growing
I look better
I feel better
I’m gaining trust back from people I let down
People ask me advice…me?Really?
I’m getting to know myself better
I’ve learned that I must reach out when I need help
I know that i cant be sober alone without a community of likeminded people
I’m know i am strong, courageous and i have grit but these are not enough to stay sober
I’ve learned that sometimes it’s OK to not feel ok
No more people pleasing
Not wanting alcohol anymore because my life is so much better without it
That I dont have to strive for perfection…my best at the time is enough
The wisdom of the crowd is vital
Its crazy to think that all of that was gained by giving up just 1 thing.
If I ever need motivation to stay sober I just look at my beautiful daughter… she doesnt know it but shes been my rock througout all of this, shes shown me what real love is…she inspires me every day with her enthusiasm for whatever she’s doing and her positivity for life knows no bounds… that’s the thing with children…they aren’t influenced by substances yet they find such joy in the everyday, I think theres something in that… she is truly the love of my life…my heart…my soul…my everything❤️
I know I really am just at the start of my sober journey, it isnt always easy and there will be inevitable bumps in the road but now i know how to ask for help. I still need alot of work but I am fully committed to be on this journey for the rest of my time on this planet…and to do the work required to stay…there is no destination other than a sober life with my daughter and that is more than enough.
I am greatful to have gotten here and im excited for year 2 
For anyone out there that is struggling…if I can do it then you can too…if any of you need a friend I will be around.
Thank you so much,
my love to you all!
Kelly
nowhere near the length of your sobriety but being out here in the Middle East can make things difficult and tempting. It’s posts like this that I read every time I get the chance to reminds myself, that being sober is worth far more than just not drinking. Keep it up 
