Today was a good day. I decided to explore apps that could be helpful for me to stay Alcohol free. I felt kind of stupid searching the App Store for something like this. I actually even waited until after work to search for it because I didn’t want anyone working with me to see or look over my shoulder. When I finally got to the car I made sure my sister in the backseat with me couldn’t see either. She would never judge me but I felt silly in my mind for thinking I would rely on an app or need an app to keep me sober. But after scrolling through the community section, I finally for the first time felt like I found people who are like me and understand the exact mindset and struggle that I have. My family and my husband try their best to understand and have always been supportive/encouraging for me to be sober. But… although I’ve gotten better about being honest with them when I’m struggling or what days or situations make it harder, I can tell they are trying their best to understand how that’s even hard lol. Im really hopeful this time I can make it past 60 days (my longest stretch). I’ve been in a cycle for the last year. It usually starts with me drinking in moderation and being honest with my husband about when I plan to drink for special occasions. Then slowly turns into me hiding my drinking. To me calling off work so I can drink all morning and then “sleep it off” until he gets home from work. Then there’s about a 60% chance he will smell it on my breath or be suspicious because I’m acting weird despite my hardest efforts to “act normal/sober.” The shame I feel looking back at those days is ALOT. Im sure he knew every time but only wanted to start the argument with me 60% of those times. Then eventually there’s a point where a special occasion turns into a weekend bender that turns into a Monday work call off. But the anxiety and come down is too much, so I drink on Monday too. Resulting in another call off Tuesday and I know I’m in some deep shit now. This ends with a full Tuesday morning of panic attacks, shakes, and vomiting from withdrawal symptoms. I usually call my mom or husband freaking out unsure if I’m going to die or need to go to the hospital. Then after a long day of recovery, comes the long tearful talk with my husband and we start over again. My family and my husband don’t deserve this. But how do I stop the cycle. How do I heal, and find my voice without feeling guilty for expressing myself when negative emotions arise. How do I stop bottling up everything, and end up drinking it later.
We just got married almost a year ago. I feel like it’s been a rough year. Not the bliss you’d think it would be. I have a toxic habit of trying to be the best, trying to be perfect, pretend stressful things or even small annoyances don’t bother me when they do. Then I snap, and retaliate. Aka drink to numb the chaos and resentment in my mind because I can’t find my voice or courage to just tell people (or my husband) when I’m angry or even slightly irritated at something they’ve done. I avoid hurting people with my words only to hurt them with my actions in the long run anyways. I literally hate confrontation so much, that I’ve learned to avoid it entirely. And as soon as I realized alcohol could wash the bottled up emotions and conflict away. That’s when I thought I had found the cheat code to life. Unlearning this after 15+ years is REALLY hard. But I want to do it. Im tired of the pattern. And my husband telling me that I “always do this” “do good for 2 months and then we’re back at square one again” it really stings. Those words replay in my head and I feel so ashamed. I want it to be forever this time. He begged me to promise again but I vehemently refused because I promised last time felt like that was a huge mistake. The pressure was too much and I’d find myself resenting him every time I craved alcohol. I think promising him instead of myself was a big mistake. He was really upset that I revoked my promise. But I feel it’s best for me and our marriage that I do this for myself first. I want to make these choices for me. I want my thought process to be “im choosing not to drink because I want a better life for myself” and not “because my husband is begging me not to.” Is that selfish? I don’t want him to become a negative factor in this. I don’t want to ruin my marriage and I hope I made the right choice? I hope I can really get somewhere this time.
I think after reading so many others stories on here who do this exact same pattern as me….Hoping the outcome next time won’t be a rock bottom and that we can just drink in moderation. I think I’ve finally realized and I’m ready to accept that there is no such thing as “moderation” for me if I really want to change my life and stop hurting people I love. No more occasions. No more cycle. I need a plan from now on. I need to find my voice, start using words, and having uncomfortable conversations when I’m bothered by things/stress. No more perfection, no more drinking away the imperfections. Im at 20 days sober today and I’m really looking forward to 30 next week! Next goal will be 90 and my longest yet. Forever seems impossible right now. But I like the idea of celebrating smaller wins until I’m stronger. Promises and forevers can be one day. But for now I need to slow down and try something different with more support from people like me.
Goodness, do I hear much of my own story in your words! I have been in such a similar place and the feelings and memories just come flooding. I’m so proud of you for coming here to share and get the words out, 20 days is a fantastic beginning, and it sounds like you’ve wrapped your mind around your situation and how you want to proceed. This was pivotal right here:
Such an important realization. Recovery is a personal journey. If we try to do it for others and not ourselves things become unsustainable quickly, resentments come easier, like you described, and the focus is misaligned in terms of where our attention needs to be - which is our own self improvement and development. Staying sober is just the beginning, but unlearning old behaviors and thought processes and learning new ways to cope, communicate and engage in our lives is where recovery really happens. It is nigh impossible to do alone, so your coming here to share and read about others and hopefully continue to engage will only be of benefit. So glad you found us! I hope you stick around and best wishes on your continued sobriety and recovery/discovery.
There are so many great threads here, but I thought I’d link to a few in case you haven’t seen them yet:
Lots of folks find it helpful to check in briefly (or sometimes extensively) each day. Here’s a thread where people do so together, whereas others sometimes create their own threads to add thoughts or seek support. Checking in daily to maintain focus #51
Oh wow!! I remember and recognize all those mental gymnastics and anguish over trying to crack the ‘how can I drink in moderation or special occasions’ code. It is exhausting trying to figure it out. Because as you realized, some of us just cannot.
And congratulations on your 20 days…they do add up when we allow them to. And that pride we feel, that freedom, it is real and feeds our resolve and soul.
Welcome to the show Kitty. This has been my favorite show for 3 years now. Like you I secretly looked for an app to help me with my drinking problem. I figured they got an app for everything else right? I also hid it from my wife for about a week or ten days. Then I came clean. I told her what I was doing. And how I was tired of planning every waking minute around my/our next drink. She still drinks. It was a great talk and she supports me.
I spend about as much time on here as I use to spend drinking. Which means I’m on here a lot.
Thinking about quitting drinking forever scares the hell out of me. Even still. But I don’t think about not drinking forever anymore. I just think “I’m not drinking today. And I’m probably not drinking tomorrow.” ODAAT. One day at a time.
I see Rosa hopped on to give you lots of great threads to check out.
My favorite thread and strongest tool is Gratitude. When I’m sober I got so much to be grateful for. I bet you do too. My friend who has over 20 years sober told me he still writes a gratitude list every morning. I wanted what he had. So I start my day right here.
And it works for me.
Grate bunch of people on this thread.
When I’m drinking. I got nothing! Well I had shame and guilt and a bunch of those other fuckers. Some wise person on here said you got to spend as much or more time on your sobriety as you did drinking.
Have a good read around. Keep an open mind. Don’t look to the future. When I first started On here I was intimidated by people that had years of sobriety. Thinking I’ll never get where they are. But this is not a contest. Just learn from everyone. ASK FOR HELP. And by all means understand that we are totally powerless over alcohol. If I have one drink. All bets are off.
Congratulations on your 20 ODAATs
We’re here for ya. The lights are always one.
The big question is. How many cats do you have
We have a daily 4 cat habit over here.
One of the great things about this place is we can connect in so many ways. Cat thread. Pet thread. Nature thread. Sunsets. Foodies thread. And the serious business of staying sober.
If I’m spending too much time on here at least I know I am not drinking.
I think they can tell the difference since I been sober. They spend way more time with me. Or perhaps I just didn’t notice and I appreciate their love and affection more. They are no longer a chore in the morning. It’s a pleasure to wake up every morning and I “get to.” Feed them all and take them out. I’ve Always been a pet person but the sober love I have for them now is some next level shit.
Oh wow, Kitty! Welcome to TS! You definitely have found a great support group here. So many have been where you were at 30 days ago, myself including. Honesty and acceptance after struggling in that viscous cycle for 10 years allowed me to get to where I am today. No need to be on the sober journey alone. Welcome!
That is the first big, critical step in this journey
That is the second
As Rosa, I read your words and it brings me to 10 months ago, when I was in the exact. same. cycle. Every time I caved and had “just a couple of drinks” it got worse and worse and days were erased from my life - days when I should have been with my family, my kids, my friends, at work, enjoying a peaceful holiday…gone. Not only did I realize I was missing out by shutting down with alcohol, but also noticed that my health was suffering more and more. From the outside, I was the picture of health, athlete and all, was the accomplished professional, mom and wife. From up close (and my husband saw it maybe 30% of how bad it was), I was falling apart. I felt hollow, weightless (not in a good way), and that my body was deteriorating fast. Too fast.
My withdrawals were worse and worse when I tried to stop. Until the night when I tried to stop and it was so bad, my heart seemed like it was going to explode, my hands and legs cramped up, my abdomen hurt, dry heaving, blood pressure up the roof. I cried and cried to my husband and said I just wanted to be alive next morning to hug my kids. I was terrified.
I don’t want to ever go back to that dark, hollow place.
Here are some of my main tools in recovery that helped:
This forum - I read and read in the beginning, until I felt comfortable writing back. Any time the cravings hit, I was here.
I had a mantra in the early days. “For me one is three and three is ten. I never want “one” drink”. That kept me from reaching for the first.
I had a list of what drinks bring into my life that is positive (nothing) and negative (a long list). It started with a list I saw from @HoofHearted a long time ago, that really stuck with me.
I started working out first thing in the morning again. The early wake up time helped me hit the pillow sober many, many troubled times.
I started writing my daily gratitude here, in the link shared by @Dazercat. It brought me so much reflection and filled my heart with positive thoughts in good and bad days.
I listened to recovery audiobooks. This Naked Mind was probably one of the most impactful. I was listening to audiobooks often on my way to and from work. It helped change my perception of what alcohol really is and does. Other books: A Girls Walks Out of a Bar, The Easy Way to Control Alcohol (same idea of The Naked Mind, reinforced it for me). Podcast: Huberman Lab What Alcohol Does to your Body, Brain and Health ep 86
I struggle with the concept of not ever drinking again, as many of us do. So for me I choose not to drink today. And that is enough.
Very happy you joined us. This community has made all the difference for me. I tried so many times, over many years to stop by myself, and just could not do it. I needed a support group that understood what I’m going through and in-person meetings are not an option where I live. I’m incredibly grateful for this forum.
@desert_rose wow this had me tearing up, thank you so much for the inspiration and support I would love to try the audio books. Love all the tips as well. Will be coming back to this thread regularly.
I can relate to you. Especially the part about confrontation and not being able to use your voice. I do the same thing. What I’ve learned, for me, is that it boils down to self esteem. Having low self esteem is basically the main reason I drink. But no more. I’m working on my self esteem and quitting drinking really helps.
This is interesting to me. Maybe something I should explore more? I’ve always thought of myself as a confident person, and I’ve always been told I come off that way as well, but I think that’s only because I’m physically comfortable in my skin (I’m a bigger girl lol). But maybe it’s a deeper subconscious low self esteem. My mom and husband tell me I’m too hard on myself when it comes to well… just life. I don’t take failure easy, and I think that’s kind of where the root of this started (I failed out of nursing school in my early 20’s, and ended up in the hospital with Mono for 10 days.) I really only feel that I’m worth what my accomplishments are. I think I measure my self worth by my success in life and even worse, my success in comparison to others. It’s weird that writing this kind of stuff out gives me a lot of clarity. But for starters, Im going to start practicing being kinder to myself and more aware of the negative voice that needs shushing. Good insight @Karci!
powerless over alcohol. If I have one drink. All bets are off.
and one golden retriever so it feels like a small farm over here lol 
