Goodness, do I hear much of my own story in your words! I have been in such a similar place and the feelings and memories just come flooding. I’m so proud of you for coming here to share and get the words out, 20 days is a fantastic beginning, and it sounds like you’ve wrapped your mind around your situation and how you want to proceed. This was pivotal right here:
Such an important realization. Recovery is a personal journey. If we try to do it for others and not ourselves things become unsustainable quickly, resentments come easier, like you described, and the focus is misaligned in terms of where our attention needs to be - which is our own self improvement and development. Staying sober is just the beginning, but unlearning old behaviors and thought processes and learning new ways to cope, communicate and engage in our lives is where recovery really happens. It is nigh impossible to do alone, so your coming here to share and read about others and hopefully continue to engage will only be of benefit. So glad you found us! I hope you stick around and best wishes on your continued sobriety and recovery/discovery.
There are so many great threads here, but I thought I’d link to a few in case you haven’t seen them yet:
Advice for the Newcomer and Constant Relapser
Your #1 tip for sobriety (over 2 years sober)
Lots of folks find it helpful to check in briefly (or sometimes extensively) each day. Here’s a thread where people do so together, whereas others sometimes create their own threads to add thoughts or seek support.
Checking in daily to maintain focus #51