I feel like I am stuck forever. I am 35 years old, been a secret and high functioning alcoholic for about 10 years. Everyone knows I like a drink but no one knows the extent of how deep I have gone with it. Even my fiance has no idea I drink 3-4 nights out of the week, often to excess. I have become so good at hiding it now no one knows.
I have tried over and over again to control it but I always give in. I plan not to drink, say in the morning “not today” and then hours later find myself convincing myself it’s okay.
Please, I need help. I need people out there to tell me it’s possible to get out of this. How does anyone survive this and escape the hideous cycles of booze? I feel like if I don’t find away to gain some self control I won’t see 40. I’m desperate to change and yet my desperatation can disappear in a second if faced with a craving or urge to drink.
I’m so alone and so afraid. If there’s anyone out there that can offer any advice or just tell me how you got out of the this circle of hell I would appreciate it so much.
Hi ,it is very possible to get out of this cycle your in but you have to be willing to go all in no excuses no IL do it tomorrow , determation,focus, outside supppport,and most importantly honesty.use this platform as your daily recovery share everyday all your thoughts feelings and emotions no holding back we have all been where you are .it’s time to give yourself a break and a chance to freedom of self❣️
Hello and welcome! You are definitely not alone and it is definitely possible to break the cycle you are in. You came to the right place!!
First off, I encourage you and other new forum members to read as many threads as you can. I will share a link below which will take you to many threads…they should give you a feel for the forum and what is possible. Also, lots of people enjoy the checking in threads, so you may find that helpful.
Here is the link…
And please do not lose heart…I drank for 40+ years and struggled for a solid 10 of those years wanting to be sober. It is hard, but it can be done. Keep your focus on being sober TODAY, don’t worry about any other day or event other than today. You CAN do this!!
There are a lot of good sobriety memoirs out there, youtube videos, TedTalks, etc. I especially like Russel Brand’s take on addiction because its very snarky and lots of F words. I am on day 1 again but I attended an AA meeting on zoom and there were people there celebrating 3, 5, 10, and 25 years of sobriety. So I’m no expert but I know its possible!
I would say the best first step might be to get rid of booze you have around the house. Although if you’re living with your fiancé and they also drink then I understand that may not be feasible.
Like others have said, I promise it is 110% possible to break the cycle. From what you wrote in your post, I drank much more than you do. I was able to break free and let me tell you, it’s amazing.
What I always say is that creating sober routines helped me quit more than anything. Drinking had become such a routine part of my day that I had to invent a totally new routine for myself to break out of that cycle. Then once you have a week or two without drinking you will get much more used to it.
Also, don’t get discouraged. I had to try more times than I can count before I was able to finally get sobriety to stick. Some would say that I just wasn’t ready until one day I really had enough. From the sound of it, It seems like you’re ready too
Wanting to quit is the first step toward actually quitting. In order to accomplish this, you need two things: the will to quit, and the means to quit.
What’s the longest you’ve gone without drinking? A month, a week, or a day? What matters is if you’ve been able to not drink for a day, then you know you can do a day. Then do another day, and another.
Where I really gained traction was when I realized that I only have to say no to one drink…the drink that really matters…first drink. If I say no to this drink, there can’t be a second or third or eighth. I win, 100%. But, if I don’t say no, then I’ve lost that fight, and the only thing left to be decided is how badly I lose. Stop at one, or slide to two? If not two, why not four?
But I can say no to one drink…and I do it every time.
This was me every single day.
I’ve started a new life. It’s possible if you really really really want it.
But it takes hard work and you will have to work hard and make sacrifices to do it.
Search around on here.
Look for newcomers topics. Loads of info on what you can try.
But ultimately the effort, the tears and sweat comes from inside of us, and doesn’t happen over night!
It’s well worth it.
Change your life!
Hi there, I’m sorry you’re struggling. A month ago, I was in your situation. A high functioning alcoholic for years and years on end (more than 15). I’ll be 35 this year, and one day I just knew I needed something to change, and it was the booze. I was so tired of waking up hungover every day, I was so tired hiding it from people (no one really knew the extent of my drinking) and I was so tired of the depression, anxiety and shit feeling from the alcohol. I made a very honest and public post to all of my friends and family (that’s not for everyone, but it helped me). It honestly made me feel really good getting it off my chest, and in a way it made me really accountable. Acknowledging I was an alcoholic to everyone made me not want to hide it anymore, which in turn made me not want to do it anymore. I had a few slip ups after I made that post, but I’m almost 3 weeks sober now, and it feels fantastic.
Some days I think about having a drink, but then I think of all the bad that came with it, and I know it’s just not worth it anymore. I don’t find my nights boring at all. I’m really doing so much more, as when I drank I smoked, and would sit outside all night wasting my time. Now I read, I watch all my shows I had neglected for so long, I am slowly picking up my hobbies I had prior to my years of drinking nightly.
You can do this. You have to really want to change your life. It’s not all smooth sailing, but dealing with your life and emotions without the booze is actually really rewarding. And waking up fresh and rested really can’t be beat. It’s not a lie, being sober is 100% worth it.
This is exactly how I felt when I came across this forum, curious and desperate and 36 years old. I lurked for 2-3 days, reading so many stories and experiences. Something in what I read clicked. Realizing, in my heart, I had kind of given in to booze and given up on life. Really, I hope you’ll stay and read around. Maybe join the Checking in Daily thread?
What I read from other people’s stories and advice made me believe maybe there was another way. And if I had really given up on anything else, why not try the stuff they were doing instead?
One change was I went to my first AA meeting after hearing people’s experience. It was a lot like this forum, but in person. People who’d been through hell and were helping each other get through it. Still going to this day.
Anyway… slowly but surely I found a much more solid sobriety. Over two years sober when before that I couldn’t even make it a day!
Hi Laura,
Welcome to TS, a wonderful place that you can use as a tool for sobriety. To get out of “it”, it takes a firm decision and a complete change in mindset, then determination and commitment followed by daily choices and actions that honour your new lifestyle and the new you. You hold sobriety in such reverence and be brutally honest with yourself every day, knowing that drinking alcohol is a problem for you and it’s not what you want to do, and it’s not ever going to bring you the joy and happiness you know you can have and deserve in this life. @Yoda-Stevie’s advice above is one of the things that has helped me to be sober 440 days now - I say NO to the drink that matters, the first drink! then there is no 2nd or 3rd and so on and even better - there’s no regrets! To help me say no, I play the tape all the way through which means #realtalk no BS, actually think about and picture what’s really going to happen if you decide to have a drink. Is this what you want, really? I also only focus on not drinking today. I take it one day at a time so that it doesn’t become overwhelming and cause me anxiety and fear. “Never drinking again” is a big statement, “just for today” is easier to manage. That I can do. Each day I also reflect on how great I feel and how much better things are being sober; not having to deal with hangovers and the anxiety and depression that comes with them. I am on here, TS, a lot! Especially in the beginning… I would read and participate in conversations and always try to help others. This has in turn greatly helped myself. I found that the more days I choose to be sober, the more courage and confidence I have and build, which gives me the strength and ability to keep going. I truly believe now that sober life= my best life. It’s like a balanced equation, to have one I need the other. It’s also helpful to read, listen and watch as much as you can around alcoholism, addiction, recovery, problem drinking, AUD. Knowledge is power, it brings awareness and retrospect. You CAN do this, you just gotta believe it first. Get excited about this new road you’ll travel, and own it like it’s your own. Like your paving the way. This is your journey and you can make it what you want to. Just gotta do away with the excuses, be honest and have courage you matter. You are worthy. You are here. Xx
I understand everyone has different opinions and beliefs but I will share my experience. From 2012-2016 I was a raging alcoholic. I drank in the morning before work,I stole liquor off the bars at work, I hadbottles in my car, I stole beer, I was the girl at the party finishing people’s half drank drinks while cleaning up. I was a waitress and I’d finish strangers drinks. I gained 70 pounds and no matter how strong my resolve I couldn’t stop. I clearly remember getting on my knees and laying on my floor sobbing begging God to remove my obsession to drink. In my experience with severe alcoholism and heroin addiction, the ONLY thing that can save me is God. You dont even have to believe in a higher power because your higher power believes in you. Pray to nothing if you have to. When you are given that gift of desperation to surrender to the idea that you cannot save yourself, that power will come thru. I don’t remember when but very shortly after my God delivered. I’ve battled with drug addiction most of my adult years as well, but even thru my struggles using I have never ONCE had that insatiable desire to drink. I’ve been coming to this site since it started up in 2016. I’ve had various lengths of clean time and sobriety so today although I havnt drank in years I am on day 12 clean from drugs. I spent 7 weeks in the hospital with endocarditis before I got into my new beautiful sober house, and I am extremely convinced that if I give my worries to God he will remove my obsession and desire to use just like He completely removed that desire to drink. I also had 1 year clean last year and even tho I did relapse on drugs, I still never got the urge to drink. God removed that dezire back when I poured my heart out on that bedroom floor. My God is big enough for anyone who is willing to open their mi d to a power greater than themselves
Hi Laura,
Lots of good advice on here. I will just add that you need to enlist the understanding of your fiancé. He, and other people may know more than you think they do about your drinking. I know this was true with me. In any case you cannot hide sobriety any more than you can hide drinking!
You don’t have to tell everyone about the extent of your drinking, but you may be pleasantly surprised how supportive they are when you tell them you want to concentrate on your health.
@Ash!! So good to see you again!! And it is great to hear you are in a new sober house and not using. You have incredible tenacity and it is inspiring. I hope you are enjoying fall in Vermont. I so miss it there. All my best and great post!!
9 days is incredible, no need to downplay it!! I remember being astonished and so effing proud of each new sober day…I still am all these days later. You are doing something amazing and you deserve to be proud of yourself.
hi, laura! your story sounds eerily similar to mine and we’re roughly the same age. i lived in secret for many years and when i got sober it shocked people bc nobody thought i had a problem. these are the things i did:
went to meeting multiple times a week (In The Rooms)
committed to 90 meetings in 90 days
told drinking friends i wasnt drinking so they wouldnt pester me and confided in them on why (it helped me to hear back what i was saying, and realize that the decision i made was the right one and felt closer to people)
got on TS daily
used HALT as a good reference to why i was craving and that helped tremendously (often times it was hunger so i ate, or a lonely so i went to a meeting)
drank a crap ton of water
kept a consistent exercise routine
you can do this! don’t waste any more of your precious life in active addiction when you can free yourself and live a wonderful life of recovery.
First, you have to want to quit. I started here, reading posts and posting things myself. Then I found out about quit lit thru posts on here. I started reading books. The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober was my first and i loved it! Then I read This Naked Mind and it flipped the switch for me. I am almost 6 months sober now and I love it. I am active in 2 sober groups on FB and I continue to check in here. I highly recommend the books. I think both are available on audible if you do not like to read. Good luck to you!
Thank you so much for the welcome back! This site has exploded with members since it started up 2016 so Im alwaysinterested to see if any originals are still coming back. I personally prefer this over facebook so I’m so happy to be back!
That might be one of the most important keys to sobriety. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
you matter. You are worthy. You are here. Xx