Binge drinking & relapses

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New member here. After yet again another ER stay because I almost died from another binge drinking episode I’m feeling hopeless of what it will take for me to learn this lesson. I had another 6 weeks of sobriety that I lost. I have been a binge drinker for 2 years now. I will go months with sobriety and no temptations to drink but an extreme event will happen and I lose control to maintain my sobriety. I’ll down 1-2 bottles of Tito’s a day for about 5 days on average before I end up stopping and this year it’s gotten so bad the binges result in the ER.

Before these last two years I was what people call “social drinker”. I went through an extremely mentally abusive relationship which led to extreme depression, thoughts of suicide, and anxiety disorder. I ended up on 3 antidepressants and got extremely addicted to Xanax. I finally left the relationship and quit everything cold turkey but turned to alcohol to numb the racing thoughts, insomnia, heartbreak etc. Now alcohol has become my numbing solution when the world gets too heavy and it’s been pretty constant for me this year. I’ve been to 30 day inpatient, detox, therapy, EMDR, and several life threatening scares.

I know the guilt and shame from not only others but what we put on ourselves for letting others down gets so heavy. How do we overcome this and finally say enough?? At this point I’ve lost everything and everyone around me but the self isolation and escape still seems to keep winning

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Welcome Leighla
Glad you found us.
Lucky you’re alive. This time.

It’s funny how we learn to condition ourselves to think drinking will help numb the pain. And then we wake up or snap out of it and the pain is still there. And then the added shame. And then we repeat it. It’s so hard to get out of that cycle.

This is a great place to start. Have a good read around. Join in when you’re comfortable.

I know for me, it’s that first drink that gets me. Then all bets are off. I turn into a different person.
:purple_heart::blue_heart::heart:

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I just wanted to say welcome.
It seems as though you’ve done many things in your journey.

And, a flip of the switch with some intense feelings puts you un a deep dwell in the darkness, the heaviness, the brokeness of this world.

I don’t know know what you been through, don’t know your true takes on the depth of it all. Your internal struggles.

I’m just.. just glad you’re here.

All we can attempt to do is take it one day, one moment and reach out in any emotion as you are.

Could you start in AA, yeah.
Could you seek a deeper professional help for the mental struggles, yeah.
Could you keep posting here when things get brutal, or in those moments of joy..
Yeah.

Its cliche, but its all one day at a time.

The brokeness hurts, so we always ran to what is to numb.. but everyone has a future where there is no deep chains.

There is always hope.

But, i feel that. I thought there was nothing left 6 years ago for me. That deep seating, the dwelling in the self. That I could never change.

Anyways.. just keep checking in..

Take it slow.

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New member here. After yet again another ER stay because I almost died from another binge drinking episode I’m feeling hopeless of what it will take for me to learn this lesson. I had another 6 weeks of sobriety that I lost. I have been a binge drinker for 2 years now. I will go months with sobriety and no temptations to drink but an extreme event will happen and I lose control to maintain my sobriety. I’ll down 1-2 bottles of Tito’s a day for about 5 days on average before I end up stopping and this year it’s gotten so bad the binges result in the ER.

Before these last two years I was what people call “social drinker”. I went through an extremely mentally abusive relationship which led to extreme depression, thoughts of suicide, and anxiety disorder. I ended up on 3 antidepressants and got extremely addicted to Xanax. I finally left the relationship and quit everything cold turkey but turned to alcohol to numb the racing thoughts, insomnia, heartbreak etc. Now alcohol has become my numbing solution when the world gets too heavy and it’s been pretty constant for me this year. I’ve been to 30 day inpatient which taught me a lot and I got diagnosed with CPTSD as well and was able to shake some of the depression through therapy & EMDR but got out and still went back to several life threatening situations.

I know the guilt and shame from not only others but what we put on ourselves for letting others down gets so heavy. How do we overcome this and finally say enough?? At this point I’ve lost everything and everyone around me but the self isolation and escape still seems to keep winning

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Thank you for that. I have tried AA and it didn’t do it for me the first time around. I have been to meetings again the last 2 days and as you did say “one day at a time” has been my biggest take away from it. Learning to listen to that on the one day the rug gets ripped from underneath me again is when I fall back. I find that the most successful I get is when I stick to my own healthy routine but sometimes this world is just spinning to fast for me and I can’t seem to keep up. Congratulations on your 6 years!

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I am also very glad to be alive. Breaking that cycle of self medication when knowing it only makes it worse is the toughest part. I’m glad to have found this group as I know my connection with others who have been in my spot too and finally relating I think has also been one of the strongest things in my run with sobriety. Thank you for your share

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Hi and welcome. Here are a couple of my go to links.

Keep coming here, dont give up you will find your way.

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I do understand.

Do you think you have a deep self awarness to the question.

“What are all the reasons the rug would get pulled?”

I don’t actually expect any answer here.. but a deeper thought for yourself.

Oh when this or that happens, or when…

Something to ponder possibly..

Also, if you want to share, we are here. But there is literally no pressure.

Ahh, i understand this idea too. I think thats why i fell in love with the slow pace of a small town. I have no idea what i would do in a city anymore surrounded by people and buildings and more people.

Anyways, the world seems so fast. But in the same, does it get slower when we drink?

Sorry about the mis communication.

Ive been sober a little over 5 years.
6 years ago was when i was pretty buried in hoplessness.

Long nights of drinking, waking up with

Anxiety, self resentment, lack of confidence, anger, mania, paranoia, hoplessness, guilt shame. The works.

That whole cycle.

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I think this is one of those major mental tricks in a survivalist mind. In a heart broken, sadden mind.

I can only speak from experience.

A deep long self isolation goes from beneficial to not so much.

When i went on those i realized a few things. Most of it sad, self resenting and i felt that i was controlling more by pushing away.

And i realized that there is some truth to that, and trying to expand while feeling consistent negative feelings never did well so i would just go back into what i know.

But sobriety takes on a few new things, one of which isnt based in as i seen, in a deep isolation.

There is something i understood that community does a lot of wonders for sobriety and general life overall. I see brokeness, i feel hurt and all i want to do is isolate. Which in my life created this revolving back door over and over.

Sitting in my own feelings, in my own head trying to take on everything. In which i found that i couldn’t, looking back take on 5% of actual things. The rest i just burnt out on.

So, i felt slow in a fast paced world.

Ha, im still slow, but its different. Takes time.

Growth and change as ive seen takes on the roles of new and community.

Perspective thought.

Humans from a historical stand point, always had other people. We are no different. We just have a different, broken world.

But, there is hope.

There are people who realized the same.

All of this takes time.

Like i noted, one day and take it slow.

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@leighla I’m so glad you’re alive and so glad you’re here. I struggle with binge drinking too. I think for me it was a lot of anxiety and a fair amount of self-loathing. And of course binging made that worse–I’d wake up hungover and ashamed, checking my phone to see if I’d done anything stupid I couldn’t remember.

ODAAT helps me, but honestly sometimes it’s 5 minutes at a time when I’m dealing with a craving. And every 5 minutes I get through is a reason to be proud of myself and build myself back up.

You’ve been through so much and in some ways were maybe trying to “protect” yourself by numbing the pain with drinking –at least that was the case for me–and now you’re actively seeking better ways to care for yourself. That’s pretty dang admirable. We’re here for you and cheering for you!

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Hey @leighla , welcome! I was also a binge drinker and could go weeks at a time without drinking…then, poof 4 bottles of wine gone…and all the shit that follows. It took me a very long time to break that cycle, but I did feel like I was learning things, adding knowledge to my sober toolbox along the way. Tho that didn’t help me feel much better about myself, nothing did until I was able to make a shift of self loathing and destruction to self love. And that was not easy. I couldn’t beat myself up out of my drinking problem, that is for sure, because I hated myself for my weakness, shame, bad choices, etc.

I also was in a very abusive relationship /marriage that ended with him trying to kill me and killing himself instead…that had lasting effects it took me years to work thru. A lot of therapy helped with that. Having your self esteem, self confidence and self love manipulated and torn down is hard to overcome, but it sounds like you have been working on that. It takes time tho and we need to be gentle with ourselves thru the process and thru our sobriety process. Sobriety and recovery do not usually take a straight path …we will have ups and downs…the key is to stay the path, stay alive and begin again.

I never did do the AA thing, but I did find this forum at a pivotal team and lean heavily on it. I also found a lot of truth from AA slogans, especially ODAAT …tho it was often one minute or one hour that I focused on. Today…right now, this minute, I won’t drink.

I also read a lot of ‘quit lit’ that helped me reframe my relationship to alcohol and what it was taking from my life. I found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace to be helpful. There are lots of others if you like to read + it kept me busy. Distraction was important for me in early days, weeks, months. So was learning new ways to cope…walks, writing, getting on here, reading quit lit, baths, bicycling, working out.

Keeping thr focus on today, not drinking today. And learning new coping mechanisms, one’s that honor and care for our selves vs beating our selves up, that is so important. Being gentle with our selves as we do this very hard thing. Glad you are here. :heart::people_hugging:

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I am so deeply sorry you went through that. Thank you so much for sharing your story and kind words. Self love is definitely something I am having the most difficult time with because of the destructive emotional terror I endured for so long. I know others have endured similar experiences and in that we can find comfort in connection. I have read the naked mind and the alcohol experiment by her and they were both very eye opening for me. I have dove into a lot of self help books as well and some of them have really spoken to me. There’s one called Was it Even Abuse by Emma Rose Byham that I highlighted almost that whole book because i resonated with it so much. You might really enjoy it. I’m glad you were able to overcome yours and you inspire me to one day be able to do the same :white_heart:

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Thank you for the book recommendation, I will check it out and I appreciate it.