I´m having such a hard time tonight. I had a fight with my husband because he is so sick of my drinkingproblem, understandably. Last times when I drank he just let it be and didn´t care what would happen, or didn´t care how I felt the next day. He also didn´t want to help me with taking Antabuze because sometimes I refused to take it or blamed him for drinking if he forget to tell me to take it (which I know was still my responsibility 
). And I totally understand it, that his tolerance was gone and he couldn´t take it anymore.
But now that I´m even going to AA and am really dedicated to quit (first time ever), he isn´t supportive at all. I can´t tell him about my struggles (I don´t have cravings but a lot has come to the surface, with all the hurt and shame and guilt for hurting him and I can´t barely take it). When I told how guilty and ashamed I felt because all the stupid shit is starting to hit me at once, he responded with “it´s about time, you should feel bad, I can´t comfort you and tell you it´s not so bad because it is. Why couldn´t you see that before?”. Fair response. But nothing more. Was it too much to ask of him to say something like: you have all the reasons to feel this bad and you hurt me so much, so I´m glad you´re finaly serious in quiting and proud thar you dared to fo to AA. But I can imagine it must be very confrontantional and hard.
I feel so alone in this
And now I have to fight the urge to not cut or take medication
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You are not alone. We are here. I have been in exactly that position. My husband also went from caring to grim stoicism about my drinking. In the end, whether he is proud of you is still outsourcing your recovery. You be fucking proud of you! Your husband can support or understand or not. Your recovery is for you and by you. That doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. AA and people on here have been where you are. We understand to our bones how sick and tired you are of yourself, your own behaviour. We are here.
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Thank you for being here 
It´s just so painful not being able to talk with him. not even about the good things, because it´s related to alcohol. And now I feel resentment because I have been here for him helping him overcome his issue of being agressive/disconnected the first 18 years, I forgave him and am even sorry for him that he didn´t know better than an missed so much in life because of this.
Now it´s like “stop drinking, go to the phych ward, go to AA,…” and when I do I´m all alone in this.
Thank you guys for being here
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It sounds like there are a lot of issues in the relationship besides drinking. That makes sense. It was the same for me. Unfortunately, while drinking is still happening it is hard to understand what is the cause, and what is the effect.
Fwiw, I think you should just focus on yourself and your recovery for at least a year. Go to AA regularly, do the steps. Get comfortable in sobriety and who you are as a sober person. Just tread water in the marriage. Once you are in a stable sober place, you can look at the dynamics of the relationship. After a year, your husband should trust your sobriety too.
Maybe thinking in terms of a year feels too long. Just one day at a time, think that today I will focus on sobriety, let the marriage be what it is for now.
Just my opinion. I do have nearly 6 year of sobriety, but my marriage really is in a pickle, so might not be the best person to give advice on that side.
Whatever happens, remember there is a group of people here that have been through this or are going through this. We can be there for each other.
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Sometimes it’s sadly too much to ask support of our loved ones. They’ve been through stuff with us, that’s hard to forget. Personally I even think they are not best equipped to help you right now. They need to find a way to heal their own hurt. But you are not alone. You will always find support from people who can relate to the causes of addiction. Who have been where you are right now. Just keep going, despite the disappointment. Fokus on what’s within your power to do and you’ll be surprised to where it gets you 
.
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But it´s not fair. I am still with my husband after all he put me through as well. He was very aggressive (verbaly) hard en distant. Until a few years he changed in therapy. And I can see he reacted from his own childhood trauma, and feel sad for him as wel for not knowing better than and for missing out on things that could have been beautiful. It was often after an agressive episode (more than once a week) that I started drinking because I didn´t see another escape. So our stuff is tangled. Maybe we just went through too much things to repair it
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Sorry, the hard truth is: Recovery is not negotiating, wishful thinking or tit for tat. You work your recovery, others do whatever they do. Your husband feels like he does, acts like he acts and you cannot change that nor is it your beer. We don’t heal because we clinge on our partners and ask things of them they neither can provide nor are willing to give. We heal because we put in the work, daily, keep going and learn to navigate life sober. You do you and focus on your recovery only. Once you are stable in this you can have a look at relationship issues. Using alcohol as unhealthy coping mechanism in violent situations as you described is common, you are not alone. It is your responsibility to learn to navigate life in healthier, sober ways and get help to process what you’ve been through. Give yourself time and stay focused on your recovery. Share away, we all have been through some shit. You are not alone 
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Things will be tangled. I actually think it is quite likely two unhealthy people, such as emotionally immature, avoidant, an addict, would be drawn to each other. Maybe there are exceptions, and it is just my opinion. I understand it hurts that you gave care, and you are not receiving the same care. That aside, you have to give care to yourself now. And let us give you some care.
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I get it. Lots of people have similar experiences actually. I’ll say the people of AA are always supportive at least though. The tough part is not having the expectation that those around us will always be happy with us being in recovery. Some will and some won’t care. Step 9 in AA will really help you understand that if you choose to work the steps because you’re making amends without expecting them to even accept it. You’re just doing your part regardless. That’s part of the freeing experience. Your husband may come around in time if you work on your recovery and it shows in your daily life. People will notice the changes and appreciate it. That’s been my experience at least. Wishing you the best
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It´s so difficult to put myself first. To focus on myself and my healing journey while he keep asking/demanding things from me I can not give, especially not while doing the traumawork without alcohol. It´s so much easier to drink so I can give him what he want. But I hear you, and I will try to find a way to make this work.