I walked into my first 12-step meeting 21 years ago and over that period of time had time had an on and off relationship in sobriety. I never fully committed to working steps. Everything was half measured and immature. While I remained “dry” for 3.5 years, I never expanded spiritually nor surrendered to being powerless. I used Covid as an excuse to “find my own way” and self reliance came back into my life. Binges came more and more frequently and I continued to try to find some external validation for my self-esteem. I ended up with my 3rd DUI and faced a minimum 30 day jail sentence.
On 120 days sober I surrendered to a 30 day incarceration. Jail was the wake up call I should have had long ago. While I deserved to be there, I realized I didn’t belong there. I was grateful I had been rigorously attending meetings and working with a sponsor before I went in. I spent my entire time reading, rereading and studying the AA Big Book and NA Big Book. It was a gift to finally find myself and the hope in those books.
I will celebrate 7 months sober next week. I’m working with a sponsor and speak to him daily. Currently working on Step 10 and have found tremendous benefit in prayer and mediation. Something I disregarded as not for me for decades.
While I attend 2-3 meetings a day, I don’t often share. I’m still dealing with a lot of regret and shame. Not even regret for what I did to myself, but what I did to my family for decades. My sponsor often reminds me that I am still “Playing God over myself.” I recognize I should be more grateful for where I am today and stop wishing for a better past.
I feel a little uncomfortable putting this out there for the world to see, but felt I had to get this off my chest. While I have a very positive interaction with my sponsor I think he seems frustrated with me ruminating on my past. I definitely struggle to talk about my shame in meetings. I figured this may be a start to self acceptance of my past and maybe help someone else.
I know my family loves me and is happy to see me sober and thoroughly working a program, but feel no amount of amends or sobriety can heal the wreckage I have put them through.
