Kelly here. I figured if I’m starting day 1 over again I may as well be 100% truthful including not hiding behind a username. I am a 40 year old wife and mom who has struggled with binge drinking for years. I don’t drink every day but when I do I usually drink to excess and I usually attain that level by sneaking it. I also smoke weed nightly which over the past 6 months or so has turned into whenever I can sneak it.
Recently my vices caught up with me in the worst and most real way yet. I texted another man inappropriately while drunk because my husband and I were fighting. We were fighting because I drank too much the night before - surprise - and my way of ignoring the problem was to drink more and step out of my marriage.
Of course this has had devastating effects on my marriage and my kids. Of course I feel like a worthless human being. I have let the 3 most important people in my life down. Again. I may have ruined my relationship with them forever. My husband told me point blank that I had a choice. I could choose alcohol and drugs or I could choose my family. Of course I choose my family. But it’s so much more complicated than that.
I am 5 days sober from alcohol and only 1 day sober from marijuana. In my heart and soul I want to do it. I know I need to for them. But also for me. But the emotions today have been nearly unbearable. I am sad and then I’m angry and then I feel like a failure. All sorts of negative emotions. And while I know what’s at stake I desperately want something to take these feelings away. I desperately want sobriety but I don’t want to feel so awful all the time. Does it get easier?
Hey Kelly. Yep, it does get easier as the time away from booze & drugs gets longer. But, we gotta put the work in to stay the course. Healthy habits daily, interacting with other sober folks. I’m a rehab fella, 12 step oriented place but really I think any program can help a person if it clicks with them.
Sure AA is my foundation, and it no-shit works if we put in the effort. For me, I had to get to the point where staying sober meant more to me than getting lit. I accept who I am (a drunk named Smitty) and I feel good inside this skin. Took some time & effort.
Hey Kelly, I’m so glad you’re here and trying. It does get easier. Right now you’re in the worst of it…and you never have to go through it again.
Checking in here several times a day or whenever I get an urge to drink has been a huge help for me. I tried quitting so many times…but as soon as I started feeling a little better from my last binge, my brain would lie to me and tell me I could have just one. Which. I could not. And it sounds like you can’t, either. Reading here always helps remind me of that.
First the shitshow, then the growing. Yes, it gets better. You have to up your efforts to stay sober, learn tools to navigate life in healthy ways, sit with your feelings (no, they won’t magically disappear, they will change), work recovery daily.
Seek support, go to rehab, therapy, join a programm.
Hi Kelly. I appreciate the honesty. Yes it does get easier, but the beginning can be a brutal ride. The first month or two I literally cried at how badly my mind wanted to drink, but I stuck it out anyway because drinking caused too much damage in my life. When we take the drink and the drug away we have to feel everything and we don’t know how. Our mind tries to tell us that a drink or a drug will solve the problem. I like to put it this way. If you’re an alcoholic or a problem drinker and you drink you now have two problems. Your problems and alcohol. The drinking and drugs were our solutions to numb the feelings. Thankfully there are real, healthy ways to cope. Helps to really learn the mental health side of things too because it’s a disease of the mind. Also working a program of some kind is really I think critical. AA has been mine, but others like smart recovery and such also exist. Whatever works. Wishing you the best
Super appreciative for all the support and words of advice. Despite really wanting to give in and smoke some marijuana, I resisted. I can’t lie and say I felt great in the morning. I honestly wanted to smoke more, but as soon as I unlocked my phone I saw I had notifications from this app. Affirmations and replies from kind and knowing community members. Those who have been through it and are going through it and who offered support and encouragement to a stranger. And it put everything in perspective. I can do this. I can do this one day at a time. And it’s not always going to be rainbows and sunshine. There are bound to be cloudy skies and thunderstorms along the way. But those storms aren’t permanent. I need to feel the storm, allow the feelings to pass, and then see the fresh perspective that sometimes only comes after the rain.
Today, I feel renewed because of a positive and supportive community who truly understands that addicts don’t want to be addicts and that every day is a choice. Today I choose to be sober and present. Today I choose to work on rebuilding my relationships with my husband and kids. Today I choose to live instead of exist. Thank you all for helping me make these choices and for encouraging me to stick with it.
hi, i just want to say that you’re so strong because you’re not ignoring the problem! it’s really powerful that you’re able to write about your struggles. i wish you strength and patience on your journey to sobriety! it’s really cool to see people who aren’t afraid to talk about their emotions and problems. i wish my mother would do the same
Hi Kelly - It’s great to such a high level of motivation and gratitude! When I got sober, I put absolutely everything into it. I was in 1:1 counseling, I was taking Antabuse, and I went back to AA. I was convinced that if I did not do something about my alcoholism every day, that it would do something about me.
Look at people who are sober for a while, and you will be able to do what they did and then get what they got.
With you on this. The moment of clarity is really stinging my brain, but this time it feels really different. It sucks to be honest with ourselves but admitting it feels better somehow.
I’ve made it 10 days. And I’m surprised with how I feel about it. I am proud and happy and motivated to continue. But mostly I am ashamed. Ashamed that it has been too many years for me to remember when the last time I was sober for this long. How could it be that it has been countless years? I have wasted so much precious time blacked out and causing chaos. Weird how this journey brings out all the emotions. But I’m happy for day 10 and motivated for day 11.
One of the fundamental elements of recovery is accepting that the past will not change. Shame from failing to attain imagined possible pasts will fade away. Of course, there is an AA saying for this - “Give of all hope of a better past!”
I made out one full day myself. Haven’t slept yet but the thoughts have been real also. Thinking about the little one I’m doing it for and the clarity I’m receiving is making it a little better. Pretty sure I’ll have some more negative thoughts tomorrow but I’ll tackle that beast when it arrives.
