Hey I’m new here. I recently decided to get clean again after a stint with kratom. 10 years ago I got heavily involved with heroin and ended up losing it all. I made great money, had a family and a life that most would respect. I got introduced to painkillers and had no clue what was coming. I’ve been to prison, multiple rehabs and even homeless during that time. I got clean last year around August and stayed clean from the hard stuff until around December I tried kratom. Thought it was probly harmless. I started taking it, then taking more and more. I was hiding my use from my gf. I tried stopping and realized that you actually do withdrawal from kratom. I ended up self sabotaging…long story short I went out one night and found the real stuff and ended up back in jail. Lost the job I had. I’m on probation currently for an older offense. I’m on bond for dwi now also. Been out about 3 weeks. I’ve been taking kratom again for a couple weeks. It’s insane. I start a new job tomorrow and truly want a new life. I am experiencing withdrawal from it already. I’m also hiding my using again from my gf. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with low self esteem and dealing with negativity, negative thoughts. I keep making decisions that I know won’t benefit me…I desperately need some will power. I’ve started going to meetings. Just feel pretty hopeless most of the time even tho I do actually have things to be grateful for. I seem to only notice the bad. Anybody deal with this? Has anyone overcome this? I’m 38 years old…there were many times id given up ANY hope that I’d ever have a decent life. All evidence said otherwise. But at this point in my life I do believe it’s possible…but my mind seems to be my worst enemy. I seem to stay in depression and hopelessness. I haven’t been brave enough to share in a meeting yet…just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening
Going to meetings and getting a sponsor and working that program every day is what made the difference for me.
Welcome to Talking Sober! 
Welcome Justin.
This is a great place to get and give support, I’m happy you found us. I’m an alcoholic and I been very active on this forum for all of my sobriety. I got to meetings now too.
I too felt depressed and hopeless for other reasons. Living with an active alcoholic. I too felt that hopelessness. But I kept going back to meetings. My Al-Anon meetings. I found about 8 different meetings I could go to a week if I wanted to. Sometimes I did. I just kept going back. Then I found hope in the rooms. Then I started to find hope for myself. I just kept going back. My life was 
unmanageable. Then I started going to AA.
Will power is not going to cut it. I need surrender. And that meant pouring my guts out and breaking down and crying in front of total strangers. People that know me say I still cry.
I don’t know first hand what it’s like to be addicted to heroin or that kratom stuff. But my daughter was is a recovering heroin addict. And my son is a recovering alcoholic drug addict. Will power never helped them either. Rehab and 12 step meetings and sober living got them to a point that they are recovered. It was a very long slog.
I’m very sorry for the pain and suffering you are going through. Search up in the magnifying glass top right for heroin or whatever. There are many people here with all sorts of addiction. You aren’t alone.
Find a meeting and spill your guts. Keeping it inside is trying to control it. We cannot control it. And we can’t cure it.
But, it’s the sharing that heals. Not the person that listens.
Believing In Myself
Justin trying = Justin not dying. Damn right our minds are our biggest worry. It’s always the one that sells that bullshit to us to get us to go use/drink!
Listening to the folks here & in the rooms is how I smashed that voice. Doing the work gave me freedom from the bondage of self. Each day we don’t get loaded we kick that voice in the nuts a little bit harder.
We don’t have to get high/drunk anymore. We did that shit so many times. It’s an old fucking lead boot, full of holes and not worth our time any longer. Hugs man
It got 2 family members. YOU GOT THIS MAN
I appreciate the responses. I’m actually about to head to a meeting. Been trying to make 90 in 90. Definitely helps to hear similarities in others stories. Thank you for the encouragement
Welcome Justin.
You have come to a great community filled with supportive people who have helped me every step of the way in my journey so far. I completely understand The mind being the biggest problem. My inner addict voice is a complete bitch sometimes. Sometimes I’m lucky and can shove her aside easily and sometimes she won’t leave me alone for days . But every time I fight her and win I get to stay sober another day and she gets weaker and quieter. So keep fighting because you can do this. It’s hardwork but in the end every day you stay clean and sober is worth it. I suggest hanging out here , read and chat with some people in some of the threads . There is lots of info and lots of support from people who get it. Hope to see you around here.
Hello Justin,
thanks for sharing your story, hard times you have to going through,but how you said:it is possible.
You are not your addiction and your thoughts, especially at the beginning seems so hard to believe sometimes would be better and the conditions are changing but they will.
My experience is really shortstepthinking,it will be better day by day and every day counts.
So welcome to this great community and one day at a time -greetings from Germany Corinna
Welcome Justin Glad you’re here 
I’m 38 and was off and on kratom for 5+ years, using it in between being off and on pills. Then for a while after getting off them for good. I didn’t use it in large quantities, just enough to feel ‘normal’, but it still took a long time to get off. I was, however, still drinking at the time, as that’s my #1 DOC. Like alcohol, kratom’s availability is what makes it trickier. I don’t even know how it got legalized! Withdrawal sucks, no argument there, but it’s not as bad as the harder stuff. Find the strength to get thru it and don’t look back. Then do everything (everything!) you can to keep moving forward. You have to do the work or it’s not going to work. Hope to hear more from you 
I’m so sorry.
Kratom just seems like this evil wolf in sheep’s clothing… Masquerading as a health kick, but it’s an evil addictive substance and unregulated too. It’s so awful and I hope your call overcome this.
I fell for Kratom also years back. Many people were saying its like caffeine withdrawal at the most and i was stupid enough to believe it, well maybe not believe it but my addict mind said it cant be that bad. Anyways, the WD was hell like other opiates, because it effects gaba receptors also. And who knows what kind of metals and toxins are in that crap since its not regulated at all. Its probably worse then pills when you factor in all the unknowns. 90 for 90 is a great start, it works if you work it.
Thanks for the support. I got a sponsor. We are going through the book. Helps to have an outlet to talk about this stuff without fear of judgement. I appreciate y’all
Happy to hear this Great news!
Way to go Justin.
I couldn’t do it until I got help and support.
Audio books have helped me get out of my mind. I use the Libby App. It’s free. Get a library card from a library that participates in Libby. Most do. I’m in a small town and ours does. Put your library card info into the app and listen to self help books, documentaries (Paris Hilton had it rough!), any kind of stories you like. There is a lot to choose from. This helps my wandering mind. Listen and do a puzzle, color, draw, cook, etc. Keep the hands and mind busy. Stay away from the people places and things.