I color coordinate my Haribo Gummi bears. And I don’t eat the orange ones 
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Check out for today. Still here, still sober, still afraid of going to sleep.
Couldn’t focus on the camping trip, it got canceled because of the weather that’s coming. So I’ve got the idea of camping under the dining room table instead.
So now I’m supposed to sleep outside the “tent” on the sofa to “watch out for bears” my boys are sleeping under the table by the fake campfire.
Tomorrow we’re going to a nearby city to hopefully play in a hug playground and do some shopping. If the weather is better than predicted we’re going to make camping food outdoors with S’mores tomorrow night.
Goodnight y’all 
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It’s much easier to put a positive spin on other people’s problems! Which is weird because we basically all go through the same stuff. There’s something about ego in that I’m sure.
A technique I learned in CBT to help deal with some of my negative thinking patterns, is to try an alternative narrative. One of my issues is putting pressure on myself, so if I fall into negative thinking traps and setting myself up to fail (e.g. ‘I have/ need to…’ or ‘I should be…’) then I try and rephrase it, something like ‘I want to…’ or ‘When I get to this it will be good because…’ - it applies to feelings as well as tasks. It’s a similar practice to gratitude lists I suppose. Writing it down helps.
How else could you look at this, so you are not putting yourself down about the way you are feeling?
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Use all your strength for check ins, whether it’s here or in another safe sober place Steak. Relapsing will get you nowhere. It’s al lies the addictied part of your brain is telling you. Fight for your sobriety. Don’t believe the hype in your head. Stay with us. Make it through this moment and life will seem possible again. I know, I’m there and been worse a couple of days ago. I’m dreading tomorrow. Again. I’ll face it sober and clean though. Using is just no alternative. Using is death. Simple as that. For me anyway. Keep going friend.
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The dream doesn’t have to turn into a reality!
Have you seen this thread?
There is lots there to get through, why not try making a dent in that and see if it helps?
I don’t know where in the world you are, I have a feeling UK (?) - if so Samaritans are there 24 hours a day to listen. Please call them if you need to. 116 123.
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Stay strong @Steak. Do something to get your mind off those thoughts. Read, take a walk or play a game. Anything other than sitting and thinking about it. We’re all here for you. You can do it. Remember, they’re only thoughts and you don’t need to act on them.
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C’mon Steak, you’re doing really good! It’s a battle with your mind/body and cravings. It’s just not worth it hun!! Push past this. We’re here all night if you need to stay here…
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Day one for me too. Moderation didn’t work again. FML. We can do this. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Oh how I hate to hear you’re struggling. Come here and share lots until it passes. The thoughts leading you back to your old ways are deceitful lies. Sending you strength 
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nothing seems to change for long, it’s like being stuck in a loop, it’s either keep running and go round in circles or get stuck at the bottom.Let’s keep tryin 
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We need to run in a different direction and get off the track. 
don’t be down. The only way is up, it’s not over til it’s over you know that, I once thought you were lost but look how wrong I was that your still here and a huge part of the community, with that kind of example I’m sure I’ll be OK.
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Oh snap! Thanks, I think. 
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101010
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It’s so ingrained in the way I think about things, I dont even realise im doing it. I didnt see that as self critical until I read it back. So a different framing of “I need to get some enthusiasm for life back” could be “There’s loads of things I can do to get my enthusiasm for life back”? Maybe that’s not quite it, but it’s better at least.
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Day 20. And finally the sun shines here.
I’ve been so focused on not caving to cravings when things are emotionally hard, but got caught off guard today. Was getting things done, indoors and out, in a good mood.
Heading home from errands I saw most of the neighbourhood sitting on their balconies or lighting bbq’s in their yards - could almost hear the sound of bottles being opened…
I am going to have to be vigilant so that I don’t cave in on days like today, almost out of ambivalence. To tune out the voice that says “eff it. look how productive you’ve been. you’ve proven you can go without - almost 3 weeks. it’s normal to have a cold cider on your patio garden.” Wrong. Not normal for me.
I didn’t even get home; I turned the car around and headed to the store, picked up the ingredients for my favourite fruit-flavoured sparkling water (yes, NA) and a big bouquet of fresh flowers to take the edge off… 
Big hugs to @Jennajen - you are dealing with a lot, be gentle on yourself and reach out when you need to. Never be embarrassed of tears, at least around me…
@Steak please don’t stop checking in. Do what the others say here - play the tape forward. You started this because you want to be sober, and you’re sober. You can get through this - please keep reaching out.
Big shout out of glee to @Apes2020 on 90 days, @Travis92 on 7 days, @anon79808082 on new coffee pots with timers (the small things!), @MrsOdh for making a camping trip mishap into dining room fun, @Natnat for new sponsor and upward momentum! @Girlinterrupted for all the amazing stuff going on in your world - you not only deserve it, you’ve earned it. Your therapist even said 
Welcome @Lesliekayla1 and @Lucasarillious. This is a special group of super supportive humans on this forum, and I wouldn’t have 21 days without 'em.
Big love to all - wishing you peace, wherever you are at in your journey,
M 
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