Day 0. Funny how I come to my senses after a relapse. I don’t know if I’m still in that state of mind; there’s always an apathy period where I just cannot identify what I am feeling. Right now I
am just feel empty and defeated. I woke up trying to think of all the irreparable things I have done… nothing but rage and depression this time so I guess it’s onward and upward.
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I have never felt worse. Relapse looks to be so close. Any idea how I can avoid it?
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Nice!!! Spot on is so hard!!! One time! That’s it! Once 
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Sadly, I’m all too familiar with these feelings you’ve described. The first day, or first few days, after a relapse are emotionally tough. The physical discomforts I can deal with, but the anxiety, depression, and sense of defeat are brutal. I also know that they don’t last forever though. “Onwards” is absolutely correct. Wallowing in too much self-defeat isn’t helpful. In fact, for me it’s pretty dangerous and fuels the notion that I’m inherently screwed and I should just give up.
Get back at it. Look forward to watching you progress. 
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@Mno I hope it’s not COVID. 
I’ve been having a sore throat for months and finally went to see an ENT doctor and it turned out that I have ‘silent reflux’. You don’t have the traditional heart burn symptoms but instead have throat issues. If you don’t have COVID, that could be something you could check to see if you have. Just a thought.
@Charlie_C Congrats on the weight loss with your 43.39 days!
@anon60334405 It sounds like you’re being really introspective about your situation. It’s good that you are able to admit to yourself that you feel that way. You can more easily manage what you know about. You’ve got this. You can do it!
@Travis92 8 days is awesome! I’ve never heard of horse ranch therapy for PTSD. I’d love to hear if you think it’s helpful.
@Briella Hang in there. Sometimes relapses happen, but those days that you were clean aren’t lost. You still have those days as being clean. Now you have a number to challenge yourself to get past, and you will.
@jjcarson92 What a dream! That’s actually pretty amazing that even in your dream, you were like, ‘naaa I don’t think so’.
@liv_m I’m so sorry to hear about the end of your friendship. If you talked about it here I never saw it so I’m not sure what’s going on, but I do know how difficult it is to lose a relationship with someone you were so close to and I’m so sorry you’re going through this pain.
@SassyRocks You are killing it with those keto macros! Nice job!
@Steak Hang in there. Telling you to hang in there feels sort of paltry, but it’s the best thing I can think of because when you hang in there, you eventually get through it because nothing lasts forever. No good thing; no bad thing.
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Read through this and see if anything helps?
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What’s going on to make you feel bad?
HALT?
Have you played your tape to the end?
What other coping mechanisms have you tried?
What’s going on Rad? You’re struggling right now?
Daily check in… 2 months 17 days… feeling uuugghh… sun is hot, woke up to a flat tire…but I’m still pushing… and pushing .
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I’ve failed with my promise. Before family left for a trip I told them nothing will win with sober me. And what now? I am back in the hell.
Trying to keep positive but seems have a lot of struggle.
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I can still feel that sinking feeling I had when I woke up after my last drinking session. The same shit as the time before, and the time before that (etc).
Hanging on to that has really helped me get through the ‘fuck sobriety’ urges. That is what happens when I drink, whatever temporary relief or fun or whatever I try and convince myself would happen is always followed by that anxiety, shame, regret… I tested it enough and I finally believe it.
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What have you tried? What else could you try?
The clichés exist for a reason. Nothing changes if nothing changes!
And it’s how you respond to the challenge that matters.
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What can you do right now to help yourself? How long is your family going to be gone for? I know you can do this Rad…
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They come back in 3 days.
My missus is keeping me motivated. Spoke with her not long ago and I feel a little bit better.
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Yaaay congratulations April. 90 days is huge 
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Congratulations on 1 year 
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Teej that’s almost a year
You show me what I need to do: check my macros!
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Woooow congratulations on 1 year! Amazing hard work 
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Check out, family drama.
Had an awesome day with my family, we went to a park and a castle and did some shopping. The sun came out, we found a lot of lovely snacks we brought home and I was just about to put myself in the bathtub with a facial mask followed by some pedicure.
But out of nowhere I got a messenger message I was certain I was well hidden on Facebook but apparently I wasn’t.
The message was from my ex former girlfriend, they’re having a boy together who just turned 5. She lives like 1,5 hours from our house. And has charged my ex for rape and domestic violence in the past. I know he never wanted that boy and was forced by law to sign the papers stating he is the father. That was five years ago, five years without my ex having any contact with his boy.
Now the mother have heard about his other charges and wanted to check with me if everything was Okey with my 10 y/o so he wasn’t involved. Very kind of her, but she also wanted the boys to meet, to get to know eachother because that might be the only contact they’ll ever get with their fathers side of the family.
Her boy is having adhd and my 10 y/o is high function autistic with Tourettes so I’m not sure that’s a brilliant idea. But I’m feeling obligated to go for it anyway. After all they are brothers even if they never met.
So I got from a pretty good day to feeling like the worst Mom ever. Once again it’s time to sleep and once again I’m afraid to sleep, with even more anxiety than I had before.
Goodnight, over and out (yes I know it’s just a made up movie phrase but it kinda fitted pretty good)
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237 days I think.
Today was a shitty day. I am draining my motiviation through Netflix. Fuck it I’m gonna delete my account this very moment. I don’t want to waste my 237 days because “I’m not ready yet”. That’s fucking bullshit.
Deleted it. This is the start of me taking recovery more serious again. I will not even watch cable.
0,01 days no Netflix. It seems like nothing, but it’s a start
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