It seems like my drinking is getting worse and darker every time I’m relapsing. Earlier this autumn I was on a very good stretch of about six weeks totally sober. This was the longest I’ve gone without drinking since I was 19. I’m now 50.
After I for some stupid reason started drinking again at that point I find myself drinking more and more and it’s getting really frightening. It’s now after half past five in the afternoon and I’m still shaking a bit, feel like someone’s been sitting on my head and anxiety is pretty bad. Decided that enough is enough and that I need to get back on the sobriety horse before it really gets out of hand and affects work and health.
Posting this for support and for accountability. Will probably start therapy again next week, and goal is to become completely sober. Afraid to relapse again but I know I need to don’t give up and I’m trying to focus is how I KNOW I will feel after a week or two. But I’m afraid of the devil in me, it’s like there’s something inside me trying to harm me. A self destructive force that doesn’t want anything good to happen to me.
If I can fight THAT, I’ll win. If not - well then I keep losing. I try to cheer myself on and read my previous supportive posts here and try to be kind and compassionate towards myself, but it is so difficult keeping the thoughts of harming myself at bay.
Welcome back Kristian.
I keep hearing at meetings how hard it is to come back when people go out. Especially at our age. I’m 64. But close enough imo.
Have you gone to any AA meetings? You don’t mention it in your posts. It took me forever to get to AA meetings because I was afraid. Afraid of what I didn’t know.
Now I go regularly. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. Just show up. My desire to not drink qualifies me to be there. I keep showing up. It fills my spiritual tank. And I always leave feeling a little bit better.
When I first came on here gratitude was my go to tool. Still is. I hang out on the gratitude thread almost every day. At first I was on there every single morning. I’ve actually retrained my brain.
If nothing changes.
Nothing changes.
We are too old to relapse. The reality is. We might not make it back.
Being active on here. Gratitude. And going to meetings. has given me a new life.
I can totally relate to feeling like there was something inside me thats trying to hurt me and self destruct!
What finally made me stop (using since 16 now im 37 this month) was the look on my mothers face. She was the only one left willing to deal with my shit. The look on her face was that she was done. Completely done. And my boyfriend was done too. I started going to meetings again and got myself a sponsor and IT WASNT EASY but i have a year and 2 months clean now.
You can do this!! It literally is one day at a time. Dont focus on anything but the day you are in!! If you have to, focus on the minute you are in!!
Tha j you so much for your kind and compassionate response. I haven’t been to any meetings, I’m not sure why but I’m not comfortable with the thought of attending AA meetings. I’ve used this community, some therapy and talking to some select friends de and colleagues. Massively supportive wife and friends so I do feel gratitude for that when I think of it.
Fortunately I know I’ll feel better in a few days so I’ll try to be compassionate with myself the next few days.
Knowing I can communicate with and relate to other people with the same experiences and feelings here also helps.
Thank you so much. And congrats on a year and two months clean! That’s quite the achievement!
And thanks for sharing your story and for confirming to me that those feelings are real and that I haven’t gone mad, or at least not quite yet. Since I’ve been doing this for a while I know what to do and what to expect but I’m starting to fear the moment I’ve put some distance between myself and the way I feel today and begin getting those sneaky thoughts that I can control this. I need to remember today and take inspiration from you so I can become a better version of me. I want to be able to help.
Also huge thanks for the encouraging words, I’ll make sure I remember them and try to live by them!
I know that!! It’s a difficult one to get away from. It’s like the self destructive zone is your comfort zone, and it’s scary to bring yourself to a place outside of that.
You can fight it. Your brain is on autopilot, serving up negative and destructive thoughts but you can change that. You need to learn how to observe what you are thinking and how you are thinking and forcibly change that thought pattern.
My pleasure.
I was very uncomfortable with the thought of going to AA. I just didn’t want to do it. I always said if I couldn’t stay sober here on this app I’d go to AA. That didn’t happen. I stayed sober here. Almost 3 years. And then I wanted to be around people to know how hard I worked at being sober when I got my 3 year chip. And I found a great Speakers meeting on Friday nights. I sat in the back and hid in the crowd for a couple of months. And just listened.
Then on my 3 year birthday I spoke up and told a brief bit about how I did it. I been going to AA ever since. I didn’t like saying I was an alcoholic. I thought of every other way of putting. Finally I just said Eric! Alcoholic! What a relief. I think I had this thing about the “Stigma.” Of labeling myself.
There’s a lot I don’t want to do in AA. Like saying the Lord’s Prayer. Or even an Amen. And you know what. No body cares. I say it. Sometimes I don’t say it. No one gives a shit.
And I’ve always been afraid of those big book thumpers that can recite page 98 or the book book says on 167 that…… but I’m not bothered by that anymore. If it works for them. Great! I don’t have to memorize the big book if I don’t want to. All I must do is not pick up that first drink at all cost.
But. Having an open mind. And listening to other people’s story of experience strength and hope is where it’s at for me now. I just love a good speakers meeting.
There’s a AA Speakers App if your interested in listening to some speakers.
Better have a plan for this though. Because I guarantee your addict brain already has a plan.
I hope to see you around.
This disease sucks. And will kill us if we don’t continue to do the work.
@Sticky I’m of the same age as you and have been clean for 13 days. There is a lot of fantastic advice in this thread and I hope you find the power in yourself to follow the action you know you need. Good luck.
Thanks! Yeah I have been reading a lot and making the occasional post previously. Love the unconditional respect and support here. Helps a lot reading other people’s stories and seeing that we’re not alone. Good job on your journey, stay strong!
Many of us hold ourselves accountable by checkin in daily on the Checki-In thread.
Sobriety does not happen by itself, you need a plan. There is a very useful post about that.
If AA is not your thing, there are other recovery programms. Especially for longterm recovery I find it crucial to work a programm and attend meetings. Check out what is there: Recovery Dharma, SMART, and other offers.
Welcome back and best luck in your path of sobriety. It starts now, last drink happened a time ago so the future is at this moment.
I also have for kind of devil inside me. In my case I prefer telling to myself what I think it is the truth: I have a mental sickness that makes that only with a drop of alcohol I will drink until dead. Literally. A person who damage him/herself till this point is a mental sick. That’s what I am.
But there is a remedy: do not drink, and for myself, this is the only remedy. I discovered it at 44 years old. I also discovered I am sick, I am not a vicious or a sinner. I am just ill.
It is possible to live a day by day life with this illness. It is possible not to drink, just for today.
A new life is beginning and it is full of a lot of things. I have inside my devil/illness, but just I do things that do not set my illness free. And it is possible to get used to the new life.
Do you think meetings are more uncomfortable than the way you are living now? Doesn’t necessarily have to be AA but generally speaking people who are in a program of recovery tend to have an easier time staying sober.
A few things scared me sober, and they weren’t the things that should have scared me sober (like the first time I blacked out before picking the kids up from school). One was noticing the pattern of shortening time during relapse. I got sober for a few months, started drinking again, it was ‘fine’ until 6 weeks later and I was as bad as before. I got sober for a few months again, relapsed again, and this time it only took a month to get as bad as I was to start. I stopped drinking again and did not want to relapse and be back to where I was in two weeks this time.
Second, after exhausting options like reading quit lit, taking medication and using this app, it was clear it was AA or rehab and AA was more acceptable to me. I tried online meetings, with camera and mike off for a few months, just camera off for a few more months, and finally showed my face after nearly a year. I don’t go much anymore (I consider my work on here my giving back to the recovery community), but if intrusive thoughts ever became a regular thing again I would be back in meetings regularly in a flash.
It doesn’t have to be AA, but there is something different to making a commitment to a meeting and actually speaking out and hearing people in real time. What do you have to lose my giving it a try?
Thanks heaps guys. Some solid advise here. Actually had a good nights sleep and getting ready to go to work. Still emotionally raw but highly motivated to make this happen. Reading all your comments and kind words helps massivel!
