Hi Benjamin,
Welcome to the community! Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Have you ever tried NA, or counseling? I haven’t, so I’m not much help. This thread is pretty new, If you want, I suggest dropping in this daily checking in thread (I hope I did the link correctly, haven’t done it in awhile). It is usually very busy and probably a lot of people that can help.
Read around, a lot here, sometimes it takes a bit to figure it all out. I’m glad you’re here! Welcome! 